Deep Questions by the Graves' Men

Cameron is searching. He is on a quest for wisdom. Often he crawls over to his magnetic alphabet toy and proceeds to ask a very difficult question:

This is a true story. He really does pick out the Y on an almost daily basis and then carry it around with him, while looking at you with eyes full with wonder. Well, if he wants answers, he's definitely looking at the wrong man. But in honor of our young philosopher, I will gladly contribute some why questions that have been plaguing me of late:

- Why did Pampers decide to include a brownish-green splotch of color at the bottom edge of their diapers? This struck incredible fear into me for the first 200 diaper changes. Is this some sort of a diaper practical joke or did they really not consider the fact that a brownish splotch of color in that location might be disconcerting to their consumers. Seriously, why?

- Why are Jehovah Witnesses recruiting? Correct me if I'm wrong, any witnesses of Jehovah out there, but don't ya'll believe that literally only 144,000 people will make it into heaven? If I was in an organization where only a select few of us were going to get free donuts, let alone eternal life, I'd probably be actively working to keep that organization a secret. Every person you recruit directly reduces your odds of salvation. Plus, if you stop, I don't have to awkwardly ignore your knocks while you're fully aware that I'm standing directly on the other side of the door. So it's a win-win really. Think about it...

- Why are people still playing football? According to the highly empirical "research" I just did on Wiki Answers, the average lifespan of an NFL player is about 15 years less than the average American man. Maybe this is due to the fact that you have to be a clinically obese giant and/or subject yourself to repetitive brain trauma in order to be any good at this sport? Not to mention, the fact that the "sport" really only has about 12 minutes of game-play within a three-hour event. There might be a better ratio of physical movement to strategic planning in chess. Plus the rules of this game are completely convoluted and over-complicated. Why does America love this game? Why am I watching it as I type? Why?

- Why are we still teaching cursive in school? Listen 4th grade teachers, they have this thing called typing that may possibly provide a slightly faster way to write. Plus, I think more adults these days are using computers than inking sprawling letters. We're not still teaching kids how to use a quill in school, are we? Exactly, so why are you still teaching these children cursive? Why? Why!? Why!!? Note to Cameron, if they are still teaching this outdated skill when you are in 4th grade, I want you to actively protest by refusing to participate. In fact, I want you to take out your iPhone 25, or whatever they have invented by that time, and text your teacher the following: "Stop pushing your slanty agenda. I want to learn actual life skills today, not archaic artsy-fartsy nonsense." If you can't tell, I hate cursive with the burning passion of a thousand suns. I didn't understand why I had to learn two forms of writing with a pencil 20+ years ago, so I really don't understand it now. Plus, I have the fine motor skills of a four-year-old, so thinking about trying to trace those curvy letters over and over sparks some PTSD in me. Go away cursive. Die!

- Why are movie award shows separated by genders? Is there a different criteria for judging acting in men and women? Are men or women at a different tier than the other, so that by combining it one would be at a competitive disadvantage. The feminist in me is stirring. What is the rationale behind this? Why?

- Why doesn't phonetic start with an f?

- Why are people obsessed with baby teeth? It's like when adults get around babies they all need to fulfill some sort of dental fantasy. It's not as bad now that Cameron's teeth are on prominent display, but when they were in their turtle head phase, people were constantly straining to get a peek and making comments about the sure immanence of tooth arrival. The odd mixture of excitement and anticipation on these people's faces baffles me. The teeth are here now and it's really not exciting. I swear the only things more overrated than teeth are Tim Tebow and Mother Teresa.

- Why can't the water dispenser in our fridge just keep working? It was like "Awakenings." The water came back for two beautiful, thirst-quenching months and than just as mystically as it appeared, it was gone. We need Cam to work his magic again.

- Why have we not earned "blog of the day" honors on blog-spot yet? You'd think with a constituency of 7 followers, we'd finally start getting some respect.

- Why am I still sitting here typing nonsense? I'm out...