Let's get right to it. I'll supply you with a word or concept and then fill you in on every thing I've learned about that this summer.
Arkansas: Bill Clinton is a big deal here. People here are so obsessed with merging before a lane closure that it's like having your own 4 mile express lane if you choose to drive like a rational human being. However, the locals do not look kindly on this kind of rational thinking and making the choice to do so may put your life in danger. On another note, this state does not supply their public restrooms with toilet paper.
Best Western Hotels: This establishment sometimes decides to merge its breakfast dining area with a Jacuzzi super store. Using the spa to re-heat your entrée is frowned upon.
Dodger Stadium: Does not condone the consumption of alcoholic beverages in their parking lot. And my powers of speech / self-confidence automatically revert to that of a 13-year-old when I am approached by a bike cop.
Chris Harrison: Throws employees off balconies in fits of power-hungry rage after people have the audacity to refer to him as "just a host."
Mindy Graves: Turns 35 tomorrow. In honor of this event, she has trained our eldest son to refer to her as a "young lady." She is a beautiful young lady. She is obsessed with souvenir magnets and the magnetic attraction between Andi and Josh. She makes pretty much everything in my world better (possible exceptions include my pride in regard to trivia games and my enjoyment of Wes Anderson films).
Billboards in the South: Are awesome. This is a coffee table book waiting to happen. These were the three favorite I remember from our trip. 1) "Human Trafficking is NOT ok." Actually helpful, because I was torn on this issue before I saw the sign. 2) "Use the rod - save your child's life." Our children did not like this one as much. 3) An advertisement for Truck stop / Indian food that stood next to a burnt down building. I wouldn't have thought that those two things would mix well, now I know that they don't.
Southern Californians: Should be required to spend at least one summer day in Atlanta each year before whining about the temperature outside.
Cameron Graves: Is not lacking for self esteem. This week he expressed that he is "the best soccer player of all times" and "never makes mistakes because I am perfect." He is also constantly fine-tuning a comedy routine centered around the word "booty." Mindy does not appreciate his act so much, but I think she's missing the subtly of his genius. My hope is that with the right encouragement he will continue to practice this material on Mindy non-stop until he is the greatest comedian of all times.
Carter Graves: I am often amazed at his ability to know what he wants in life and communicate that so clearly. And he accomplishes this with a vocabulary of 3 words. I have thousands of words at my disposal and struggle with this daily. It should also be noted that Carter is at a stage of adorableness that words cannot describe.
Family: We are blessed with such a generous and loving extended family. I am very thankful that we got to spend time together this summer and look forward to many more summer vacations around the USA.
Mississippi: After our stay at the Motel 6 in Meridian, I was ready to crown it as the worst state in the union. But then I remembered my three days of gambling and pool-hopping in Biloxi, I remembered how the sweet waters of the gulf coast can make a man come alive, I remembered chanting the name of that black jack dealer on the $5 table and drunkenly falling asleep by myself at our hotel diner... and I hate myself for even thinking about putting it in the bottom three. So, you're welcome Arkansas. The honor is still yours.
No, we are not there yet,
Father
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
In Love and Basketball
I have this fatherhood thing on lock. It's simple. All you need is a strong combination of classical condition and strategic withholding of fatherly love to really mold a child into something special. I have no idea if Cameron is going to grow up to be "happy" or a "productive member of society," but I do know that he is of great amusement to me. Allow me to run through a typical day in the life of Cameron Graves. He starts off the morning with a game of NBA 2K 2014 on the IPAD. He typically likes to be the Lakers or the Thunder. He tirelessly feeds the ball to Kobe or KD, respectively. I have found that his choice between the two is correlated with his mood for the day. Kobe days are tough for everyone. But sometimes he likes to be the Heat, so he can play with their power forward "Squish Squash" or their point guard "Mario Chompers." What he lacks in auditory processing, he makes up for in cuteness. When Ipad time is over, it's time for the real basketball to begin. No exaggeration, he probably plays multiple hours of basketball a day. We play one-on-one where he makes up which teams we are. We play 2 on 0, where he is always Tony Parker and I'm Tim "Pumpkin." He always keeps score. He plays by himself. He makes up drills that he does over and over. After he pretends to get fouled, he lets you know the status of the personal fouls and team fouls before taking his foul shots. He cannot pronounce personal. No matter where he is in the house he senses if his little brother has the ball in his hands and comes sprinting to take it away. His brother is usually casted as Tiago Splitter. He is very passive aggressive. Somewhere between all this basketball he does other things. Those things are not important. In the evenings we watch the NBA playoffs. He only roots for the team that is winning. But he won't cheer against the Thunder or Spurs. I regale him with stories of Laker greatness. I search for classic Laker victories on NBA TV. I can only hope I'm doing enough. At bed time we read a children's story about Chris Paul's childhood. I make up a sequel about how an evil troll named David Stern kidnapped Chris Paul from the Lakers. We curse David Stern and Blake Griffin until sleep over takes him. We all hope tomorrow will be a KD day...
Ok, I might have gotten a little carried away with that rant. But, like 90% of that is true. He's super into basketball right now and it's really fun. I don't know how to break the news to him that he's probably going to be 5'9'' and that could, possibly, hinder his long term success. Instead, we signed him up for tennis lessons this summer.
Another really funny thing is hearing Cam re-tell the religious stories he learns at school. Christianity by Cam is hilarious. My favorite was the time he told us about how "Jesus was in the doghouse until his friend Smokey J told him to come out." After some digging, it's possible he was recounting the story of Lazarus. But, I like to believe that Smokey J is the gangster nickname Jesus had for James. My second favorite is when I was talking to Cam about somebody named Jose. Cam proceeded to tell me tabout how all the people in the bible "threw there jackets in the mud and shouted Jose, Jose." I'll let you figure that one out.
Onto the younger child. He is adorable right now. He is a smiling, waiving, peek-a-boo playing little ball of perfection. And that dude loves to push himself to the limits of his physical abilities. He wants to climb everything he can get to. One of his favorite past-times is to climb on top of (insert noun here), stand up, and look at you with delight. If you turn your back on him for 10 seconds he will be standing on top of his riding fire truck like he's about to go surfing. There may or may not be multiple home videos of him accomplishing such feats and.... then falling really hard on the floor. I guess that is what movie editing software is for. Based on his combination of attractiveness and affinity for stage-like platforms, I'm predicting he is going to be runway model. Then again I could also see major head trauma in his future. Thankfully those two paths aren't mutually exclusive.
You miss both 0% and 100% of the shots you don't take,
Father
Ok, I might have gotten a little carried away with that rant. But, like 90% of that is true. He's super into basketball right now and it's really fun. I don't know how to break the news to him that he's probably going to be 5'9'' and that could, possibly, hinder his long term success. Instead, we signed him up for tennis lessons this summer.
Another really funny thing is hearing Cam re-tell the religious stories he learns at school. Christianity by Cam is hilarious. My favorite was the time he told us about how "Jesus was in the doghouse until his friend Smokey J told him to come out." After some digging, it's possible he was recounting the story of Lazarus. But, I like to believe that Smokey J is the gangster nickname Jesus had for James. My second favorite is when I was talking to Cam about somebody named Jose. Cam proceeded to tell me tabout how all the people in the bible "threw there jackets in the mud and shouted Jose, Jose." I'll let you figure that one out.
Onto the younger child. He is adorable right now. He is a smiling, waiving, peek-a-boo playing little ball of perfection. And that dude loves to push himself to the limits of his physical abilities. He wants to climb everything he can get to. One of his favorite past-times is to climb on top of (insert noun here), stand up, and look at you with delight. If you turn your back on him for 10 seconds he will be standing on top of his riding fire truck like he's about to go surfing. There may or may not be multiple home videos of him accomplishing such feats and.... then falling really hard on the floor. I guess that is what movie editing software is for. Based on his combination of attractiveness and affinity for stage-like platforms, I'm predicting he is going to be runway model. Then again I could also see major head trauma in his future. Thankfully those two paths aren't mutually exclusive.
You miss both 0% and 100% of the shots you don't take,
Father
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Revelations
I've learned exactly 10 things so far in 2014. I'm going to share them with you now.
10: Cam's obsession with Ninja Warrior is not good for his face.
9: You can consistently complete Insanity workout videos before getting a Blue Cross Blue Shield agent on the line.
8: Fire fighters need a raise. It feels like you could earn an honest living in that profession, but apparently it requires panhandling to supplement your income. Seriously, put your boots back on and get out of the street. At least when you were fundraising with your lascivious calendars you weren't causing a traffic delay. The next begging fire man I see in the road is getting his bare foot ran over. You have been warned.
7. Mexican food + lots of spinning = sitting in your own vomit for the car ride home. It was a tough lesson for her to learn, but I told Mindy not to spin so much.
6. Boy's trips to Del Rio are good times. If I close my eyes I can still hear Cam chanting "no ladies, no babies." And don't bother asking Cam about our trip because he's been trained that what happens in Del Rio stays in Del Rio. But I'll give y'all a little sneak peak. Let's just say that 3 out of the following 4 things are true. Cam attempted to pee off a bridge and ended up with urine all over his clothes. We picked up a hitchhiker somewhere near San Antonio that we later learned was an escaped convict. There was at least one night where Cam could be found binge eating chocolate cake in motel room at 11 pm. My father won a limbo contest at my cousin's wedding by out-dueling a midget. Let me just reiterate that a good time was had by all.
5. Croup is the devil's work. And I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison probably has something to do with spreading this destructive force.
4. Preschoolers are master negotiators. And they always seem to be working toward attaining the most immediate reward. At first I was trying to offer Cam some guidance around this tactic. I was trying to help him put off some immediate gratification in the pursuit more significant pleasure down the road. But the more I became acquainted with his strategy, the more I respected it. He has it right. You just have to be relentless in your negotiation for short term gain. You see, there's no harm in agreeing to give up something in the future to obtain immediate reward. Because we both know that when we get to this so called future loss, that exact same strategy is still going to apply. I think he plans on just pushing back his loss until he moves out of the house. In some ways it's kind of like our national debt situation. Preschoolers are very advanced.
3. Steven Tyler decided to go as the Geico Caveman to the Grammys.
2. Cam is incapable of talking about religion without adopting the accent of a southern woman. I guess sending him to a church-based preschool in Texas has measurable affects. And "Lawd" is it cute.
1. Carter being mobile is a game changer.
Truth has been spoken here today. Go with "Gawd".
Father
10: Cam's obsession with Ninja Warrior is not good for his face.
9: You can consistently complete Insanity workout videos before getting a Blue Cross Blue Shield agent on the line.
8: Fire fighters need a raise. It feels like you could earn an honest living in that profession, but apparently it requires panhandling to supplement your income. Seriously, put your boots back on and get out of the street. At least when you were fundraising with your lascivious calendars you weren't causing a traffic delay. The next begging fire man I see in the road is getting his bare foot ran over. You have been warned.
7. Mexican food + lots of spinning = sitting in your own vomit for the car ride home. It was a tough lesson for her to learn, but I told Mindy not to spin so much.
6. Boy's trips to Del Rio are good times. If I close my eyes I can still hear Cam chanting "no ladies, no babies." And don't bother asking Cam about our trip because he's been trained that what happens in Del Rio stays in Del Rio. But I'll give y'all a little sneak peak. Let's just say that 3 out of the following 4 things are true. Cam attempted to pee off a bridge and ended up with urine all over his clothes. We picked up a hitchhiker somewhere near San Antonio that we later learned was an escaped convict. There was at least one night where Cam could be found binge eating chocolate cake in motel room at 11 pm. My father won a limbo contest at my cousin's wedding by out-dueling a midget. Let me just reiterate that a good time was had by all.
5. Croup is the devil's work. And I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison probably has something to do with spreading this destructive force.
4. Preschoolers are master negotiators. And they always seem to be working toward attaining the most immediate reward. At first I was trying to offer Cam some guidance around this tactic. I was trying to help him put off some immediate gratification in the pursuit more significant pleasure down the road. But the more I became acquainted with his strategy, the more I respected it. He has it right. You just have to be relentless in your negotiation for short term gain. You see, there's no harm in agreeing to give up something in the future to obtain immediate reward. Because we both know that when we get to this so called future loss, that exact same strategy is still going to apply. I think he plans on just pushing back his loss until he moves out of the house. In some ways it's kind of like our national debt situation. Preschoolers are very advanced.
3. Steven Tyler decided to go as the Geico Caveman to the Grammys.
2. Cam is incapable of talking about religion without adopting the accent of a southern woman. I guess sending him to a church-based preschool in Texas has measurable affects. And "Lawd" is it cute.
1. Carter being mobile is a game changer.
Truth has been spoken here today. Go with "Gawd".
Father
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