Sometimes your children can provide you with a clear glimpse of how you are seen by others. I listen to my eldest son chastise his pretend friend "Kiko" on the "phone" about the horrible fantasy football offers he is receiving and I can't help but realize just how cool I really am. It melts my heart to hear him negotiate with such a firm, yet inviting, tone. Kiko has no chance. Nor does his younger brother. Cam has already mastered the art of deniable aggression. The amount of "accidental" toddler assault that occurs in our house is impressive. It's like watching Blake Griffin roam the court of Staples Center. There is a lot of bulling over people accompanied by a blank facial expression. But, if his intentions are questioned, this expression seamlessly morphs into a mix of confusion and outrage. My favorite response from Cam though is when he tries to explain why he just spiked his brother to the floor by stating, "I was just curious what would happened." After all, who would fault such a sweet young man in his sincere quest for knowledge. He cracks me up. Although, I'm not going to lie, sometimes his words can sting. He has a way of trash talking that cuts straight to your core. Let me give you my 3 favorites of recent memory.
1. In a conversation about both of our upcoming birthdays, I ask him if he would rather be turning 5 or 35. Cam: "5, because I'm skinner." Boom.
2. While coloring with Cam, he comments that I am better at staying between the lines than he is. Me: "Well, I'm a grown up so I've had more practice." Cam: "Oh yeah, well you're going to die first." Later that night I made sure to go through his texts with Kiko to make sure he doesn't have any assassination plans.
3. At bedtime one evening Mindy asked him what he wanted for Christmas. Cam: "A new daddy." Dude! WTF? How does one respond to this? I took a page out of his playbook. I pretended I did not hear it and "accidentally" hip-checked him off of the bed. How you be feeling about that weight differential now?!?!
Sometimes I'm thankful that Carter can't speak. Like all great Grave's men he is somewhat delayed in the speech department, so Mindy has been taking him to speech therapy a couple of times a week. But I think she is wrong to be encouraging him. I don't need two of these tiny tyrants ganging up on me. Carter already torments me with his limited sounds. He almost always makes a distinct grunting noise as he is emptying his bowels. That's actually quite nice because it let's us know when he needs to be changed. The issue arises when he replicates this noise while you are changing his diaper and then laughs hysterically at your reaction. Verrrry funny Carter. It's not fun being punked by a 1-year-old.
In other news: Our household is becoming quite accomplished at Mario Kart. Cam just celebrated his 5th birthday in Ninja Warrior Style. Carter is following in his brother's footsteps with his disdain for gym childcare. We are looking forward to a fun spring and summer of getaways - including our annual pilgrimage to So-Cal for the 4th of July. And life (at least the short amount I apparently have left) is good.
Because I said so,
Father
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
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