The First Annual Comment Contest

So we’ve had this blog thing up and running for a little over a year now. It's time to take a look back and honor what you, the general public, have contributed to this blog. After re-reading all of your words, I would like to present your top comments of the year (with some commentary in parentheses and italics).

Honorable Mention:

On August 5, 2010 10:26 PM Kempf Kids' Korner said...
I can see the advantage of a few extra wives around the house, but why, oh why, would I want ANOTHER husband. I have too much work to do picking up after the one I have! (Truer words were never spoken. Goodbye Tim Allen, hello Scarlett Johansson).

On September 27, 2009 9:52 AM Anonymous said...
After yesterday's phone call from Michael requesting my help, I was a little nervous to approach the 'BLOG', not knowing the nature of his request. But this is a subject I can really understand since I have taught enough students with "creative" names to write a book! Well, I approached Richard with the idea of changing his middle name to Stryker. Anyone who knows Richard knows how cautious he is, always pondering the pros and cons of each question before making a comment. He felt he should sleep on this idea before making such a momentous decision. After a lengthy discussion this morning, he is willing to follow his son's wise council. "I will change my name after Michael changes his," he concluded. "But approaching dad (Harold) is his responsibility." Well, chalk one up for Stryker!
Stryker's Grandma
(This comment was well crafted, clever, and made me laugh out loud. Well played, Mom. However, I have to say I'm not taking kindly to the 'Blog' put in quotes. It's a real blog, damn it!!!).

On August 8, 2010 10:52 PM Sadie-pops said...
My initial reaction to this is horror, followed by intrigue, then followed by horror. Tim Allen? (It brings me great pleasure to know that my words can create such powerful, conflicting emotions in another. Thank you for taking us on your emotional journey, sir.)

On October 20, 2009 7:25 Mamacita said...
I have spent many many moments lying on an ironing board upside down while pregnant. It isn't easy or fun. Add delight by using light and vibration to prompt the baby to move (dirty mind mike). (I really feel like we all got a secret glimpse into a night at Mamacita's house here. I also think any sentence that starts with the phrase "add delight by..." is probably going to be a good sentence.)

On April 17, 2010 11:13 Anonymous said...
Let's do some book burning next weekend... Tim S. (Tim S. is really trying to protect his anonymity here. But this known fascist is at large today in the greater Cedar Park area.)

On July 24, 2010 6:02 PM Candie said...
I couldn't agree more. I'm so glad someone has finally said it. That show is lame. I stopped watching it after the Jason saga. What a bunch of crap. (This comment makes the list just because I'm so happy somebody took the time to engage me in a legitimate Bachelorette discussion. It warms my heart. Plus, Candie is our most frequent commenter over the past year. Thank you for all of your contributions.)

Now the moment you've all been waiting for. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you...

Top Five

5. On December 29, 2009 10:54 AM Anonymous said...
Mike:
My father was almost 40 when I was born. He survived World War II and a few other dangers in his life long before I ever came along. He just turned 86 and I treasure every moment with him. He has a somewhat fatalistic view of life, but he has worked hard to teach me that every minute counts. Even the bad/difficult stuff can be survived if you have a family to support you. While both he and I would have liked some things to be different, we get that this is the life we are dealt and that a father/child relationship is just as important as a mother/child relationship. That unconditional love transcends all and goes both ways. You will be a great father and will nurture your son to be all that he can be in life. Even the little stuff you do together will be treasured memories. Take a deep breath and jump in! (I have no pithy retorts for this one. It was just a nice comment. Another interesting fact about this comment is I have no idea who wrote it. Come forward and claim your prize, sir!)

4. August 18, 2009 10:05 PM Naked Man said...
Never fry bacon when you're naked. ( To provide some context, comment was posted in response to a call for advice for G-Baby. My favorite aspect of this comment is that someone took the time to create an account entitled Naked Man to go along with the post. Either that or someone who goes by Naked Man is a reader of our blog. And I am now seriously considering a change in our security settings).

4. On March 27, 2010 10:34 AM Anonymous said...
He's in good company! Kevin rocks the sleeping gowns and Dan is a big fan! (I think this one is much better with no added context).

3. On August 6, 2009 11:11 PM Krissie & Kevin said...
Kevin suggests signing off as "Bloody show you later" (I never saw this gem until I went back through all the comments today. But I think we have a keeper for a sign off tag line. Genius! By the way, Goldie says hi. And, oh yeah, Dan really wants you to keep rocking those sleeping gowns)

2. On October 17, 2009 7:51 PM Anonymous said...
Embarrassingly, with the first two hospital tours we did, the only question Donny had was - "Do you have cable?" Then with the third hospital tour he had the audacity to send me alone to the tour (yes I was the only one that had to collect the "coach's gift" on my own) and still to call me on the cell phone and make me ask the tour guide that "my husband wants to know if you have cable."
Cheryl (I must say this almost got first place. It was really close. This story makes me laugh every time I read it. Considering that this was your singular post for the year, you really should be quite proud. In fact I think you should stand up now, raise your fist in the air, and hop around your living room while repeating "that's one shot, that's one shot, kid." That's how you celebrate efficient success in Jersey and Yorba Linda. )

But without further ado, I present to you the post of the year. This post was also written in response to call for advice for the fetus..

1. On August 24, 2009 10:44 PM Aaron said...
Always play to win, and always play by the rules.

When these two seem simultaneously impossible, defer to the prior by either...

1.) making your own rules thus improving the game that must have been inherently flawed in the first place.

or

2.) completing the game under official protest while making snide, juvenile, and demeaning comments towards the remaining contestants, thus ruining the experience for everyone else.

This is how your father does it, this is how I do it, and this is how all great champions will continue to do it until the sun burns out.

(And let it be written. I have nothing to add. Congratulations! Now we want a speech. Speech! Speech! Speech!)

And thanks again for all of your comments this year. Think hard and comment often and you too might some day be able to hold the prized moniker of Commenter of the Year. Dare to dream!

Bloody show you later,

Father

My Dog Reilly

You know how they say older children often entertain their younger siblings so parents don't end up needing to? We are experiencing this phenomenon right now...with Reilly. Check out this video to hear how funny Cameron thinks Reilly is.

Our Little Swinger

Cameron loves him some swinging!

Cam, you're so money, and you don't even know it!

New Foods 2-5

Sweet potatoes went well, and since then, we have introduced avocadoes, bananas, butternut squash (after reading the Becks' blog, we now like to refer to butternut squash as "BNS"), and apples. Next up: peas, oatmeal, and peaches or pears (but not all mixed together). With avocado and BNS, Cameron's palate is already more advanced than Mike's.

As a side note, I did make the apples myself this weekend. After coring, slicing, peeling, chopping, pureeing, and straining, two apples made about 6-7 cubes. I'm thinking it might just be easier to buy Central Market's natural, unsweeted applesauce moving forward. I'm wondering if I'll feel the same way about peas? And there's no way I'm pureeing meat - gross.

Photo Essay

For our more visual readers, I thought you might enjoy photos that accompany Mike's blog post from August 4th titled "Things that have happened since I last blogged - in chronological order."

"Cameron flew on his first airplane."

"Cameron got to meet his buddy/partner in crime/arch enemy: Jack Mason."

"Mindy got jungle fever at a pedicure establishment - look at her toes and you'll know what I'm talking about."

"We got a night away from the little man in which we went to The Block, ended up at a bowling alley/bar, drank Long Island iced teas (the only iced tea worth a damn) and watched 90s rap music videos on a big screen. In other words, it was awesome."

"Cameron went in his first swimming pool. Like all great men, he quickly decided to forget the pool and chilled in the spa."

A Sign of the Times

Don't worry, no political rants today. Instead we are going to talk about baby sign language. So we have started "teaching" Cameron some signs. I say "teaching" with quotation marks because I don't think there is much learning going on. What's happening equates to a parent making exaggerated hand motions while asking a question like "do you want to eat" over and over in increasingly high pitched tones, while Cameron stares blankly and grins. We checked out a book from the library called "Baby Signs" to be our guide in this novel form of communication. The book contains a lot of basic every day signs (i.e. more, food, diaper), but I have found it to be lacking some other ones that I think would be rather useful. These are the signs Cameron and I want in the book -

1. The sign for "Warning - Prepare yourself because I am about to scream like a dinosaur." Seriously, once in a while the dinosaur shriek really startles me. Like, jump out of my seat startles me. So this sign would improve my peace of mind and make it so I don't have to live in fear around my son anymore. Or really this could just be a sign that replaces crying in general. And I think the sign itself should be jazz hands. Imagine a world where all baby crying has been replaced with funky baby jazz hands. That's a better world.

2. The sign for "Yes" and "No" - I'm sure these exist, probably in the form of head shaking and nodding, but I want them in the book. I mean the book has the sign for hippo, but not for yes. I figure with just these two signs alone and my adult expressive language skills Cameron and I can carry on full 20-question like conversations. Put it in the book.

3. The sign for "it hurts here" - Wouldn't this be helpful? This sign consists of biting the thumb and pointing to the place on the body where it hurts. On a side note, either they need to scale down the dexterity difficulty on some of these signs or I need to start in occupational therapy. Considering my hand writing, probably the second one. Regardless, I am struggling with some of these signs. It's sad.

4. The sign for "back off" (aka get the hell out of my face, stop making that annoying noise, and stop making a general fool of yourself) - Babies need a sign to ask for space and relief from the annoyance of adults. Clearly this sign needs to be just an extended middle finger.

5. The sign for "I understand what you are talking about right now" - This would be more than helpful. Then I will know when I really need to stop putting Cameron to sleep with DMX. Mindy would know when she needs to stop swearing like a sailor and verbally abusing me in front of Cameron. For this sign, perhaps a hand behind the ear in conjunction with the sign for "Yes?"

And that's what I've got for now. But it's occurred to me as I write this that I don't need a book to tell me what a sign is. I can "teach" Cameron any sign I want. So these signs are going into his repertoire. And I just did the sign for "Yes" and a double "back off" to celebrate my revelation.

Our son is roided up

That's right, Cam is on the juice. We went to his six month check-up and the doctor told me that he was far too weak and "sissy-looking," and needed to go on the cream. Either that or the pediatrician prescribed him a steroid cream to treat eczema. Who can remember? However, ever since he started juicing I have noticed some serious changes in his body and personality. I googled symptoms of steroid abuse, and yep, our son definitely has a problem. You read the symptoms below and then tell me I'm wrong.

1. Emotional problems - his emotional regulation is erratic. From smiles to piercing dinosaur screams. This one gets a check.

2. Reduced Sperm Count - judging that I believe his sperm count is at zero, this one also gets a check.

3. Male Breast Development - Anyone seen Cam by the pool? Check.

4. Severe Mood Swings, Depression, Irritability - Not sure why these are listed separately from the all encompassing "emotional problems" - but check em.

5. Male Pattern Baldness - Um, no. Not yet anyway.

6. Impaired Judgement - The dude keeps thinking he knows how to crawl just to fall flat on his face time and again. So, check.

7. Acne - He gets a zit now and then. We'll give him a maybe on this one.

7. Delusions - Just check out his grandiose self-promoting wardrobe and you have your answer. Really Cam? Slam dunk champion? And you're an all-star of what exactly? Definite check.

8. Hitting a lot of home runs - I tossed a wiffle ball in his general direction today and he promptly grabbed a rattle and smashed it out of the crib. As I write this I realize this symptom may be in some contradiction to the previous delusion symptom. Whatever, I'm counting them both.

Most of the other symptoms probably require a real doctor to diagnose, but I've seen enough to come to a conclusion: Cameron "The Situation" Graves is a juice head. And we signed him up for little league this afternoon.

It's time to get political

Gay marriage is so yesterday. I'm about to hit you with the marriage debate of the future. It's time for somebody to speak out and defend the right of plural marriage. And this isn't a satirical attempt to make a rhetorical statement about the gay marriage issue; I'm serious. Why is plural marriage illegal? Think about it. It is perfectly legal for me to have as many non-marital sexual relationships as I want. I could have 25 girlfriends, father children with all of them, and the government sees no problem with that. But if I decided that I wanted to enter into a committed relationship with a couple of young women and actually raise my children as a loving, communal family, then I'm breaking the law (somewhere Bill Paxton is nodding). It saddens me how much Mindy wants a sister wife and how the United States government continues to deny her this dream. Plus a change in the law will undoubtedly create the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever when the bachelor or bachelorette finally just decides to keep both of the finalists. Somewhere in the evil lair where he lurks, Chris Harrison just shuddered with excitement. Seriously though, a civil union between any consenting adults should be recognized.

On a side note, I think that we would probably have to change the tax laws so as not to overly encourage individuals to enter into plural marriage. Which brings up another issue. Why does the government encourage marriage and child birth by giving people tax breaks? Are these things that the government really needs to encourage? Just because somebody decides to continue the over population of the earth by having a child, why does that entitle them to pay less in taxes? Think about it. I'm making a lot of sense right now, admit it. Having said all that, I'm really looking forward to next April when Cameron finally starts making us a little money back:) Thank you Uncle Sam for your nonsensical policy.

Finally, all of this talk about plural marriage has got me thinking about what characteristics I would want in a brother husband. I have come up with the following. I would want somebody who was very handy around the house, made a lot of money, is a little bit shorter and worse looking then me, maybe a little older, has a good sense of humor (aka thinks I am funny), and is readily subservient to my authority as first husband. As I read back my criteria, I'm thinking that Tim Allen might be a really good fit. I just wrote Tim Allen-Graves a few times in cursive on a piece of paper and I'm liking what I see. Now all we need is for America to wake up and maybe this dream could become a reality.

Things that have happened since I last blogged - in chronological order

Cameron flew on his first airplane. I changed my first diaper 30,000+ feet in the air. Which means I changed my first diaper in a 2 x 2 box with a toilet. We learned our cousin living in Austin is going to have a little baby girl :) Cameron got to meet his buddy / partner in crime / arch enemy: Jack Mason. They promptly engaged in a tug-a-war fight with baby rings in which Cameron got his ass kicked. Cameron was lectured for over an hour about the great shame that he has brought to our family by losing to a Mason. I became engrossed in reading East of Eden. I'm not even done yet, but I'm ready to proclaim the book a masterpiece. Am I few years behind on this? Mindy got jungle fever at a pedicure establishment - look at her toes and you'll know what I'm talking about. I continue to dominate my nieces in single lap races in the pool where the wake from my dive pretty much drive them into the concrete sides (strategic note: I avoid any races with them that involve swimming skill or endurance). We got a night away from the little man in which we went to The Block, ended up at a bowling alley / bar, drank long island ice teas (the only ice tea worth a damn) and watched 90's rap music videos on a big screen. In other words, it was awesome. Cameron got to sleep every night on his own king sized bed surrounded by pillows. He said his port-a-crib mattress was too lumpy. My mom celebrated her retirement from the workforce. At her party she drew 3 hobby / bucket list suggestions out of a hat which she is now required to complete. Accordingly, she must "pose for a low-rider magazine," "follow Lady Gaga on a tour," and "come to Austin and watch Cameron so that Mike and Mindy can go on vacation." The Graves' family is looking forward to all of those thing happening. Especially Mindy, since she put about 300 of the last suggestion in the hat. Cameron went in his first swimming pool. Like all great men, he quickly decided to forget the pool and chilled in the spa. I walked into my parents house to discover a 4 year-old-boy I had never seen before sitting on a portable toilet in the hallway, taking care of business, and staring at me. We ate the trifecta of California fast food that you can't find in Austin - In and Out, Del Taco, and El Polo Loco. The Blakes and us devised a Bachelor Pad fantasy game. We flew Jet Blue on the way back - which allowed us to partake of some guiddo's having a fist pumping good time in south beach. Mindy got some insider information that The Situation is going to be on Dancing with the Stars. That's right, I just did three reality TV updates in a row. Cameron has decided he is going to stay on California time. Gay individuals were justly returned some civil liberties. Brett Favre allegedly retired again, then hinted that he might not be retiring again, then hinted he may actually be retiring again. Consequently, America has to become aware that Ed Werder exists again. And I got around to writing a blog. That's all I got for now. You have been updated.