Planes, Trains, and Naan

Me and Tinker Bell have a lot in common.  We both work in bolstering the psyches of children, we often soar through the air, and we are extremely jealous of mermaids and Tiger Lilly.  But most of all, we are both so insecure that we are only driven to action by the praise and affirmation of others.  For instance, I have basically had two hairstyles in my life.  Other than a brief mullet phase that was trending in the fifth grade, my early years were spent rocking the little-boy comb to the side look.  Then one fateful day my Sophomore year of high school a female classmate ($10 bucks if a high school buddy can guess who this is on one try...) off-handedly mentioned "hey Mike, maybe you should try spiking your hair?  That would look good on you."  Boom.  18 years later and now I'm a middle aged man with spiked hair trying too hard to be relatable with adolescents.  I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me that a different hair style looks good on me so I can do something about this.  However, Mindy and I did receive some praise and requests for our blog this weekend.  So here I am.  And if you were one of those people complimenting the blog this weekend, just know that you have revived it just like the audience revives Tinker Bell in the musical.  I am imagining every one of you sitting around me right now, starting with a slow clap, and then building to a thunderous ovation of love and approval.  I must bring the blog back to the people!!!!!!

Because it has been so long since we've blogged, I thought I'd go with the rapid fire cliff notes version of the summer.  This is what's been up:

• Cam talks in phrases now.  This includes gems such as: "I'm scratching my itchies," "I don't want to go to school," "Momma go the kitchen!" and "I farted a poop."
• I committed my first child-related sex offense by parading around a public pool full of children for about 45 minutes before realizing I had a large rip down the back of my board shorts. 
• We traveled to Yellowtone with my parents and sister's family.  Mindy and I explored the majesty of God's paint brush.  Cameron explored the majesty that is YouTube train videos.  Which brings me to my next point...
• Cameron has become obsessed with the railroad.  Close your eyes and imagine the island of Sodor.  Ok, you just saw our kitchen.  Every night at prayer time I diligently ask God to grant Cameron the finger dexterity to attach those Thomas train cars together by himself.  One day!
• I have been blessed to hear Mindy and Cam debate at least twice a week about whether or not a certain red train at our house is Victor or a special edition red Thomas.  The discussion generally goes like this.  "It's Victor."  "It's not Victor."  "Yeah, it's Victor."  "No, it's not Victor.  It's Thomas."  "Yeah, it's Victor!"...  Let's just say this issue remains unsettled. 
• We had an awesome time attending a Sikh / Hindu wedding in Sacramento.  I learned two truths about myself.  I really like Naan and Indian dance music.  Also, just a heads up to whoever "weddings" with me next:  I will have a wad of one dollar bills in my hand at some point, I will lick my pointer finger in a really suave manner, and I will proceed to make it rain on the dance floor.  I've never actually seen that before and I didn't realize how awesome it makes you look. 
• Some things don't change.  Such as, Cameron still thinks that all Asian women are Mindy.  A very awkward exchange occurred at the park this weekend as Cameron chased a woman around the playground calling her Mama, grabbing her legs, and bossing her around.  Even as I stood right next to him and explained that the woman he was groping was not his mother - he paused, looked her dead in the face, then commanded "Mama go down slide."  It was uncomfortable for me.  I felt like I might as well just tell this woman "I find you very attractive."
• While visiting old-town Sacramento this weekend Mindy made the following statement, "Old Sac is so cute."  I think this bodes well for our future together. 
• I also continue to be befuddled and disturbed by children's literature.  Check out this gem from a potty training book.  Feel free to sing along to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" if you want.  Because you can.
Tinkle, tinkle on the floor
That's what Bob did till age four
And he pooped on the den chair
On the couch, or anywhere
He'd poop on your welcome mat
On your swing, or on your cat
 
Seriously?  WTF?  One question - is there nothing a little less visually alarming that rhymes with mat.  One professional opinion- somebody needs to get Bob some intervention pretty quickly. 

And... that's our summer in a nut shell :)  Seriously though, Cam is at a really fun age.  He's becoming more and more fun to play with / torment. And it's amazing to hear and see the new stuff he learns every day.
 
Until the "Fall in a nut-shell" blog,
Father

Embarrassing Moment #1

I've read in magazines and heard from friends about funny stories when their kids said something embarrassing in public.  This weekend, I experienced my first such moment with Cameron when we went to the mall.  We had to go to Sunglass Hut because Cameron, doing his best Incredible Hulk impersonation, bent the arms back on Mike's sunglasses, rendering them completely unwearable.  So while Mike was in the store getting his glasses adjusted, Cameron and I wandered the mall.  And when I say wandered, I really mean that we took 20+ round trips on the escalator (not an exaggeration).  Riding up and down the escalator really gave us the opportunity to do a lot of people watching.  On two separate occasions, we saw a group of young black teenagers.  In both instances, some of the kids were wearing wifebeaters and basketball shorts.  Cameron saw them, pointed, and said, "Basketball."  I sort of cringed, briefly wondered how offensive the remark was, and then told him, "Yes, that boy is wearing basketball shorts."  But I was fervently hoping that the kids hadn't heard and weren't offended.  So embarrassing moment #1.

For some reason, this encounter reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Jeff thinks his German shepherd is racist because he only barks at black people.  I certainly hope Cameron doesn't go around saying, "Basketball" to every single black person he sees!

If you have any embarrassing stories about something your kid has said in public, please share in the Comments section for all to enjoy. :)

A Not So Subtle Threat

When I climbed into bed the other night, I received a most unwelcome surprise: there, lying innocently underneath the covers and right below my pillow, was a cheese spreader. I retraced the day's events and instantly recalled Cameron pulling out the utensil drawer, reaching on his tip toes, stretching out his grimy little hand, and triumphantly pulling out the cheese spreader. In my mind's eye, I fast forward half an hour, and I see Cameron gleefully wielding the cheese spreader and thrusting it in my direction, all the while chanting, "My knife! My knife!" It's almost like he wanted me to see it so I would know who left it for me later. And with that, I realize that my precious first-born son has just made an open threat on my life. His message is clear, "Should I choose to, I could end you with this blunt edge object."

So now I'm left to answer the question, "Why?" What have I done that warranted such drastic actions on his part? Was it the fact that I was completely engrossed in re-reading The Hunger Games in preparation for the movie and basically ignored him while he watched Curious George? Was he still angry that I wouldn't let him bring his beloved blankie into the bath? Or maybe it was because I mistakenly put him down on his changing table in the direction he doesn't prefer, so he had to frantically insist "Wrong way! Wrong way! Wrong way!" until I noticed the error of my ways. Whatever it was, I now realize I've underestimated my son.

Consider myself warned.

A Gentle Spirit: European Flair, 2 Soft hands, and 1 Small Member

Some might say our son is very European. For example, he is well on his way to mastering the art of the sports flop. His balance seems to strategically deteriorate when confronted with even the idea of contact. He isn't able to play soccer for more than 5 minutes without intentionally throwing himself on the ground at least twice. To me, this ratio seems about right for a career in the sport. His floppery also translates to basketball. He is known to scream in mock pain after shooting the ball or initiate contact and then flail backwards as if hit by a train. In order to complete his development I have ordered him a special sports-addition Rosetta Stone so that he can learn to deride officials in Turkish. Then he will be unstoppable!

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On a somewhat similar note, Cameron has come to the decision that he wants to be a hand model when he grows up. Ala George Costanza, he is well aware that maintaining soft and supple hands is his future meal ticket. Any foreign substance coming into contact with his palms or digits is a sworn enemy that must be eradicated with great haste. His hands must be clean at all times. It has gotten to the point that after he flops, he'll maneuver to stand back up without using his hands whatsoever. Besides the fact that this act highlights his incredibly open hips and he seems to have stumbled upon a fairly intense ab work-out, the whole display is rather absurd. He has also transitioned away from the high five and now exclusively gives fist bumps. I'm telling you - he's dedicated to his craft.

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On a possibly similar note, Cameron's friends are insulting his penis. You read that right! His manhood has come under verbal attack. I'm going to withhold the traumatizing story in order to prevent further emotional scarring for Cam. But, I'll give you a few snippets. Let's just say it involved a shared bath with a toddler co-ed, some anatomy questions, pointing, and the phrase "it's so little." Ouch! However, I think Cam handled the situation well. In response Cam stood a little taller, arched his back and said "listen, I'm only in the 25th percentile for height and this bath water is room temperature at best." Hand models don't lack for self-assurance.

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Switching gears. I wanted to state for all to hear that my son is simply a delight right now. I want to lightly bop him on the nose and shout from the rooftops how much I love that little dude. He is just so filled with glee and excitement. And he's so sweet. I love him very much. I know that I'm biased, but I think he is incredible. I'm a very blessed person to have such a wonderful family!

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Well the time has come to say goodbye. I think I will now conclude each post with a quotation hand-picked to inspire and titillate you the reader. Today, I am going to borrow from one of the greatest and "deepest" thinkers of the modern era.

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"It takes a big man to cry. But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." - Jack Handy

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Be well my friends,

Papa

Break out the Elmo Colored Carpet

In honor of the upcoming academy awards and Cameron's 2nd birthday, I would like to present - "The Cammies." That's right, Cameron is going to honor the best performances and events in the year that was his second on planet earth. The actual winners will be unveiled at his birthday party (an Elmo-themed, Gymboree-located tribute to all things Suburbia) this Saturday. But without further ado, here are your nominees:

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Best Musical Performance:

1. Lost in my Mind by The Head and the Heart - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjoA4nYBD5U&ob=av2e Also for your viewing pleasure, Cameron and I rocking out with our duet version (pretty similar, but a touch more pajama country) - http://youtu.be/yTeGEu8xN9A

2. Up Up Up by The Givers - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_HBZ4M9K6A

3. Ernie from Sesame Street singing some song about faces (version not available)

4. Black and Yellow by Wiz Khalifa (Pittsburgh Steelers YouTube version) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxEOWOji8xw

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Best non-musical digital short:

1. Anything with a train it. This is one of his favorites, a classic he affectionately refers to as "Choo Choo Ight" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2SkZATmGIs

2. Kevin Durant's Rucker Park performance - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBsLxqH-0bQ (there possibly could be some parental modeling on some of these)

3. Biggest wave ever surfed - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nS_aR8XX_U (I'm telling you he really gets fired up as that wave builds)

4. Watching his father dominate at on-line Spades

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Best Actor or Actress:

1. Elmo for his performance in the Elmo's World about Pets

2. Elmo for his performance in the Elmo's World about Family

3. Elmo for his performance in the Elmo's World about the Atrocities in Darfur

4. Elmo for his performance in the Elmo's World about Farms

5. Mr. Noodle's Brother, Mr. Noodle

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Best Event in Sports:

1. Morehead State upsets Louisville in the 2011 NCAA tournament (You should see his inspirational chant of "Morehead state." It's become his rallying cry for the success of the little guy. And being a little guy is something that he knows a wee bit about.)

2. Cameron dunking on Jack Schaber and Kevin Hoard simultaneously (see: John Starks vs. Chicago Bulls)

3. Anytime anybody falls down in any sporting event

4. A mom and her son playing Tennis in the park (having to leave that event was definitely NOT his favorite moment of the year

5. The instructor from soccer tots wearing Elmo shoes

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Cameron's most enjoyable Joke / Practical Joke of the Year

1. "Mumble Mumble Mumble" (poignant pause) "No Way" (hysterical laughter)

2. Farting (hysterical laughter)

3. Hiding in the pantry while my parents were baby sitting - causing a massive man-hunt

4. Taking off his pants in the middle of the night and shitting all over his crib (hysterical laughter)

5. Dressing up Reilly in hat ensembles

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And those are the nominees for the five categories this year. Fill out your office pool and post it to the comment section. Whoever gets the most right wins a free night with Cameron (parents not included). Good luck everyone. And we'll see you at the Cammies!

A New Year

Well, one of my New Year's resolutions was to blog more. And since all of my New Year's resolutions are coming true (including other gems like work less/make more money, and basically be Ashton Kutcher) here I am. Let the blogging commence!

There is no question that Cameron is officially a full-blown toddler. How do I know this you ask? Well, sign one is the fact that he now refers to me as Mike instead of Daddy. Well at least the respect thing lasted for a little over a year. There's no greater sound in the world than hearing your almost 2-year-old shouting your first name at you and directing you to get him a smoothie from the kitchen. But that's not the best part. The best part is that even though I'm bossed around like I'm Mr. Belevedere, I'm not even allowed to complete a mission. Cam's in such a Momma phase that once I fetch his precious snack I'm not even permitted to open it. Seriously, if I try to open it I am verbally lambasted. I must carry the snack to the one with magical opening powers (aka Mindy) so that she can present to him his bounty. I'm like a roadie for Mindy's fan club at this point. It's all very sad.

Another sad story. I wake up a couple of week's ago to find Cameron has no pants on. I'm finding this rather humorous, until I realize that he has also removed his diaper and there are large brownish stains all over his crib area. (A bit of advice. Although I tried to clean thoroughly, unless you want pink eye, you may want to think twice before cuddling with any of Cam's stuffed animals. I'm just saying). Taking the opportunity for a teachable moment, I pulled young Cam aside later in the day for some problem solving. This is how that conversation went.

Me: "Cameron if you're dirty at night just say 'Daddy, Dirty' and I'll come and change your diaper.
Cam: "Addy, irty."

Pretty good right? Except he promptly crossed the room and checked my diaper. I feel like we're making strides!

Well, there is much more to catch up on. Like Cam's Christmas bonanza from the grandparents. A trip to Denver for my cousin's daughter's wedding (I think I'm officially old now right). A riveting re-cap of my fantasy football season. An editorial of how the modern world is re-creating the new testament, with the part of John the Baptist being played by Tim Tebow and David Stern as Pontius Pilate. If you want to find out who JC is you'll have to tune in next time...

Till then,
Addy Mike