Slander

Taylor who? Allow me to portray the truth regarding this conversation.

Mike enters the room and turns down the volume on the Pantera blaring in his head phones. Mike looks at Mindy. Mindy fakes a smile so he can't see.

Mindy: "Would you like to go see Taylor Swift?"

Mike: "No."

Mindy: "Taylor Swift is what I want and what I need. And everything that we should be."

Mike: "Is she beautiful, that girl you talk about?"

Mindy: "Yeah, and she has everything that we have to live without."

Together we sing: "She's the reason for the tear drops on our guitar. The only thing that keeps us wishing on a wishing star."

And a night of sing-alongs and merriment began. The end.

Okay, I'll shout it from the rooftops. Taylor Swift is a ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air combined. It sounds like Mindy won't be able to make the concert, so guess who has an extra ticket? Who's with me?

Oh, How Our Lives Are Going to Change

As soon as existing parents find out you're pregnant, they feel compelled to gleefully tell you, "Your life is about to change." Mike attributes this to spite - that existing parents are secretly happy that other people are joining the ranks of sleeplessness and selflessness. Last week, we had our first experience where we discovered for ourselves exactly how G-Baby's arrival is going to change our lives.

Some of you may not know this, but Mike and I are both fans of Taylor Swift. Embarrassing, but true. It was announced last week that she is playing in Austin soon. The up side: the show is at the Erwin Center, where I could get us good seats. The down side: her concert is a mere four weeks after G-Baby's expected arrival date. Here's how the conversation went in our household about whether or not we could go:

Mindy: Oh, I heard on the radio this morning that Taylor Swift is coming to the Erwin Center on March 10.

Mike: We should go! I definitely want to go. Remember how last week I said that that was a concert I really wanted to go to?

Mindy: Well, I don't think we can...

Mike: Why not?

Mindy: Because the baby's only going to be four weeks old, and we won't be able to leave him for that long yet.

Mike: Dumb baby.

So, Taylor, we're sorry we can't be at your show, but we will listen to your CD at home on March 10. (And with this blog entry, Mike can officially turn in his man card.)

By the way, just one other update: last week was the first time I was actually able to see my belly bounce around from G-Baby's movement! Mike still hasn't felt G-Baby kick yet...every time he puts his hand on my stomach, G-Baby stops moving. Just the beginning of a mother-son coup d'etat...

Little people seem to need a lot of stuff

So I knew that creating our baby registry was serious business when Mindy elicited a baby consultant (thanks again Pam). Unlike the labor class, this was not the place for jokes. There are times in a man's life when it is just better to keep your humor/common sense to yourself and mindlessly point and click the scanner gun as you are told. This was one of those times.

So I bring my opinion to this public forum, hoping to find more backup than existed in that "sea of mothers" called Babies R Us. First off, that store name makes no sense. They are not a baby nor do they deal in the baby trafficking industry. Second, I hate them. They prey on parents-to-be fears and insecurities. They package the same item over and over with a slight twist and try to make you think that you need every one. I think we could purchase one blanket and somehow find a way to "swaddle," "receive," "hood," "warm," and "feed," a baby. Notice the pronoun use in that last sentence, because I am not claiming I can do any of those things. But the blanket would not be my problem. Babies R Us have now joined Toll Roads, Parking Garages, and the Dutch on the short list of things I despise. I root for its destruction daily.

That being said, Mindy we have to buy that giraffe patterened miracle blanket. Stryker is going to be swaddled-to-kill in that thing. Simply adorable.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Childbirth Class

Childbirth class is over. Mike and I thought we would share the lessons we have learned over the course of this six-hour preparatory class.

What Mindy Learned:

• First and foremost, I do NOT want my delivery filmed for educational purposes.
• Oddly enough, there is a manufacturer out there who makes and sells a lifesize infant, complete with placenta, umbilical cord, arteries, and amniotic sac.
• To replicate the thinning and opening of the cervix, all you need to do is suck on a Lifesaver.
• An epidural is a must. Why flirt with the pain when numbness is just an IV away?
• Just thinking of an episiotomy makes me uncomfortable. I really hope G-Baby has a small head.
• Labor looks hard. Major understatement.
• As it turns out, the vacuum extractor does not look anything like the vacuum we own.
• I'm grateful to be a pregnant woman in the 21st century. Just think of what it was like for women to give birth in biblical times!
• Watching the baby come through the birth canal is kind of like watching a science fiction scene where aliens burst through people's skin.
• I've kind of been focused on doing all I can to make sure G-Baby is born healthy. But then I realized that even after he's born, I have to worry that there are no complications and that he has a good Apgar score and that he takes to breastfeeding. etc., etc.. And the worrying never stops from that point on...
• Some people insist on wearing LSU-related paraphernalia every Thursday night.
• There's something in Mike's nature that causes him to do other things when in a classroom setting - i.e. crossword puzzles, participating in some sort of fantasy draft, or trying to check the Dodgers score on his phone without being noticed.
• Hundreds of millions of women have given birth before me. I can do it too.
• All the labor pains will be worth it when I hold G-Baby for the first time.

What Mike Learned:

• Different mothers have very different temperaments during labor. The beastly woman in the first video was a nightmare, but that happy-go-lucky Nicaraguan woman was just a delight. So Mindy there is no excuse to be rude during this process. Please act like a lady.
• When you want to calm the mother down you put your eyes two inches from hers and blow strongly into her face. You also commentate in a very monotone voice about how big and spectacular the contractions are. I'd like to thank video number two for these gems.
• There is a man living in central Texas who looks exactly like a Ken doll on Steroids. Seriously, there is no way that his hair is naturally that color yellow.
• While attending a birth class men are required to pretend like we are attentive husbands. It was like a chivalry competition in there. I've never seen so much back- rubbing and rushing to open doors in my life. Which is nice, because it is a pain to worry about doors while trying to monitor a ninth inning Dodger rally.
• Mindy likes to show off by asking very astute questions that she already knows the answer to.
• It's not very polite, while leading a tour of the neo-natal unit, to stop a robe-clad mother fresh off delivery and ask her to share her "birth story" with the group.
• Babies have a "leave me alone" cry. Mindy also has one of those.
• You can turn a baby from breech position by lying on an ironing board. I promise you that this was discussed. Although I felt this raised more questions than answers. Does the ironing board need to be elevated from the ground? If so, how does it support a pregnant woman? If not, then why couldn't you just lay on the floor? If you were to lay on an ironing board and the baby was not breech, would it turn to breech? It's all very confusing.
• "Orientals used to just squat and deliver their babies in the field and then get back to work." I believe that quote from our instructor speaks for itself. Mindy you have nothing to worry about. Except all the hard work in the fields.
• Sometimes when the baby is having a hard time coming out the doctors utilize olive oil. Then they make a salad.
• Mindy is going to be a great mom. Well I knew this already, but I learned that I'm supposed to say these things and not be a total ass clown all the time.

What Reilly Learned:

• I learned that Thursday nights are cold outside. Babies suck.

It is finished

Child birthing class complete. Considering the thoroughness of that curriculum, I think I am now qualified to be a doula. Seriously, I dare anyone to bring me a labor related question that I can not answer. You tell me the color of the discharge and I'll tell you what it means. It's like a mood ring, that discharge.

Mindy came up with the great idea of independently posting lessons we have learned from the class. The first lesson I've learned is that when Mindy comes up with an idea I'm supposed to say it is great and immediately go about making it a reality. Anyway, that segment is coming soon. I just wanted to give it a little advanced publicity. I'm sure you are all excited!

Achtung Baby

Mike, G-Baby, and I went to see U2 at the new Cowboys Stadium on Monday night. Needless to say, it being a rock concert in a huge arena of 100,000+ people, it was LOUD. I definitely felt G-Baby kick, which made two things come to mind almost immediately: "Hmm, I wonder if that means G-Baby likes U2 or dislikes U2?" Which then led to the second thought, "Oh, I hope this isn't too loud for the baby!" I felt a little worried/guilty because all the pregnancy books say that the baby is at the stage where he can hear things outside of the womb and he can even start to recognize voices. Well, I guess it's not the worst thing in the world if G-Baby comes out of the womb recognizing Bono's voice!

This also made me remember that when we saw Jason Mraz in September, I'm pretty sure I felt G-Baby move then, although I didn't know it at the time. So maybe instead of Stryker Eugene Graves, we should consider something more meaningful or sentimental like Bono Mraz Graves.

Speaking of names, there's still no news on the name front - Mike and I still haven't found a name that both of us can agree on, and none of the Graves males have filed paperwork to legally change their names to Stryker...yet.

Belly pic for Week #23:

Tomorrow night is our last childbirth class! We'll be sure to post afterwards all that we've learned during this three-week class. I'm sure you're all looking forward to that. :)

The One Where She Felt the Baby Move

Up until today, I haven't been 100% sure that I've felt G-Baby move. At today's doctor's appointment, we listened to the heart beat (154 beats per minute) and then there was a muffled sound, which the doctor told me was G-Baby kicking. It happened about five more times, and I could feel it each time! I was really relieved and thought to myself, "Oh, that's what a kick feels like? Well, I've felt THAT for a long time!" It was a total Rachel Green moment - you know that "Friends" episode where Ross and Rachel see the baby on the ultrasound for the first time and Rachel can't tell she's looking at the baby? After Ross points out the baby for the umpteenth time, she's finally like, "Oh, well I saw that. I didn't know that was the baby!" True that, Rachel, true that.


Our doctor also recommended a pediatrician to us. The best thing is that his office is within a few miles from our house. My doctor has six kids of his own and his kids went to this particular pediatrician until he moved his practice up to the north side of town, so I think that's quite an endorsement. So we can cross finding a pediatrician off our list. Now onto finishing G-Baby's room, deciding what to do after maternity leave, interviewing potential day care providers, registering, picking out a name that's not Stryker...the list goes on and on.


I haven't posted a new belly pic in a while, so here is Week #22:




Tomorrow night, Mike and I have session #2 of 3 of our childbirth class, so wish Mike luck!

Adventures of a pre-natal class

I was excited as I drove to the class. Mindy was picking us up some french fries so we could be well nourished as we learned about the miracle of birth. I walked into that class a happy, excited father-to-be. I will never be the same.

I'm not sure exactly what the point of that class is. It seems more applicable for birth control than preparing for labor. My senses and emotions were put on a roller coaster ride the likes of which I've never known. Have you ever been simultaneously bored and petrified at the same time? I went back and forth between fighting sleep and wishing I hadn't had my eyes open.

Who is coming up with this curriculum? After they made us sit through a two hour long anatomy lesson (I now know the Latin word for a parent of multiple children, I'm sure I'll be using that in the delivery room) then they made us watch a video where that anatomy explodes. After the class Mindy made a comment about the size of the woman's breasts in the video. I swear to god, I had no idea that woman even had breasts. My eyes were stuck on the horror show that was happening elsewhere. And the looks on the faces of these mothers were even more frightening. They looked like they were being held in torture camps as prisoners of war. About 4 minutes into the film, I just wanted that baby to get out of that woman. I felt such a feeling of relief when the baby burst through in the movie, I can't even imagine what it is going to be like in real life.

The only thing that made sense about the way they structured the class, is that they put the deep breathing exercise at the end after you experience the trauma, errrr, I mean watch the video. But of course we ran out of time. There was plenty of time earlier for the nurse to finger a plastic cervix for about 10 minutes, but now we're suddenly in a rush? I don't remember how I got home last night.

But I must admit, there were some positives that came out of my Thursday evening. I think I might have convinced Mindy to refer to me as coach during the delivery (I'm not thinking that this is staying humorous for very long once this actually starts). I learned that, if I choose, I can detach the baby from Mindy in some strange, gory ribbon cutting ceremony. And I was provided with a host of revolting, yet strangely comical, options for fantasy football names. Like did you know that the "dull" side of the placenta is sometimes referred to as the Dirty Duncan? Tell me that doesn't have a great ring to it.

In closing, I would like to tip my cap to all mothers who have gone through this. Mindy, in the words of the great Kellen Winslow, you are a f***ing soldier.

Failing to prepare is preparing to fail,
Coach