I have learned so much from Harry Potter. For one, if you are in a wizarding battle you should just skip straight to the Avada Kerdavra curse. What is the point of messing around with all of this stunning and vanishing nonsense when you never know when the other wizard might decide to escalate things and just finish you off? Secondly, snogging can cause a lot of conflicted emotions among friends. Yet, perhaps the greatest lesson of all is that you should not be afraid to name your Voldemorts. Before you can stand up to your fears you must first identify them and call them what they are. In that vein, I would now like to use this blog as an opportunity to face my fears about fatherhood. I will hide them in the shadows no longer. Behold my top 5 fears about becoming a father:
5. That my son may someday kill me. This thought never even occurred to me until I was watching a documentary recently about a mother and son who jointly bludgeoned a father to death. Of course I'm not planning on inflicting the years of emotional and physical abuse that this guy did. But still, I'm now regarding my offspring with just a little more suspicion than I had previously thought necessary. I'm keeping my eyes open for any signs of assassination attempts. And now that I think about it, I'm not so sure about the name Stryker anymore.
4. That my son is going to hamper my fantasy sports prowess. A fantasy football competitor has already nicknamed my son kryptonite (in reference to the new time constraints crippling my ability to succeed). In response to this harrowing possibility, I have no choice but to go all Tim Tebow on you people. I am re-doubling both my efforts and my time commitment to fantasy sports. You will never meet another individual who is going to work harder or longer at fantasy sports than I. Whenever Mindy gets up to feed the baby or soothe the baby or just generally spend time with the baby, I will be hunched over the computer preparing for fabricated and vicarious sports competitions. God bless.
3. That Mindy is going to love the baby more than me. This is actually just a fact. So I guess I'm not so much afraid of this as I am preparing myself for the realignment of the love hierarchy in our household. You see, I've already know what it feels like to be usurped as the number one man in Mindy's life. It happened a year and a half ago when that precocious varmint Reilly showed up. So, I'm hoping to somehow channel the overpowering adoration toward the child to re-jump Reilly in Mindy's esteem. If I end up being number three on this totem pole, it might too much for my ego to take. You better prepare yourself for a “love-battle” you anorexic four-legged punk.
2. That everything about my life (a life which I actually enjoy quite a bit) is about to change. I would like to personally thank all of you parents out there for rubbing my nose in this fear every time we have talked for the past six months. I swear that parents get a sadistic twinkle in their eye whenever they get the opportunity to lecture, errr I mean talk to, first time parents. It's like they are just happy that somebody else is about to join their miserable little club. Pure schadenfreude. And the conversation invariably goes something like this. "Congratulations. So are you ready for everything in your life to change. I remember when I used to be able to do fun things and go fun places and just enjoy life. And I used to have a good relationship with my spouse, instead of just bickering and fighting all the time. The biggest problem is you just can't get enough sleep so you are always irritable. Plus kids are just so expensive. Etc. Etc." Then after about 5 minutes of ranting and venting about how their children have ruined their lives they mumble some hollow obligatory cliché about how children are "the most rewarding thing they have ever done."
1. The growing awareness of my own mortality. Allow me to provide a little Mike math. Kid is born when I'm nearing thirty years old. Need to now check off 20 years to deal with parenting. Now I'm fifty years old. That is of course as long as fear number five hasn't happened before I'm 50. And my life is almost over. I need to ask a serious question to my readers out there. Is there anybody not petrified of death? If so, could you contact me to explain how you have accomplished this? This fear is rational, terrible, and is going to happen no matter what. I have some difficulty coping with these realities.
Well I'd like to thank you all for being party to my cyber therapy session. You all have been great listeners. Feel free to unburden yourself of your own fears in the comment section. This is a safe place.
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Mike, I love what you've written, and I feel you! I laughed while I was reading because of the similarities. I had my boy almost two years ago at 38. Funny thing, I stopped fearing death when I saw all the life in that kid. It'll make you want to live every moment differently, you'll see. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMike:
ReplyDeleteMy father was almost 40 when I was born. He survived World War II and a few other dangers in his life long before I ever came along. He just turned 86 and I treasure every moment with him. He has a somewhat fatalistic view of life, but he has worked hard to teach me that every minute counts. Even the bad/difficult stuff can be survived if you have a family to support you. While both he and I would have liked some things to be different, we get that this is the life we are dealt and that a father/child relationship is just as important as a mother/child relationship. That unconditional love transcends all and goes both ways. You will be a great father and will nurture your son to be all that he can be in life. Even the little stuff you do together will be treasured memories. Take a deep breath and jump in!