I have this fatherhood thing on lock. It's simple. All you need is a strong combination of classical condition and strategic withholding of fatherly love to really mold a child into something special. I have no idea if Cameron is going to grow up to be "happy" or a "productive member of society," but I do know that he is of great amusement to me. Allow me to run through a typical day in the life of Cameron Graves. He starts off the morning with a game of NBA 2K 2014 on the IPAD. He typically likes to be the Lakers or the Thunder. He tirelessly feeds the ball to Kobe or KD, respectively. I have found that his choice between the two is correlated with his mood for the day. Kobe days are tough for everyone. But sometimes he likes to be the Heat, so he can play with their power forward "Squish Squash" or their point guard "Mario Chompers." What he lacks in auditory processing, he makes up for in cuteness. When Ipad time is over, it's time for the real basketball to begin. No exaggeration, he probably plays multiple hours of basketball a day. We play one-on-one where he makes up which teams we are. We play 2 on 0, where he is always Tony Parker and I'm Tim "Pumpkin." He always keeps score. He plays by himself. He makes up drills that he does over and over. After he pretends to get fouled, he lets you know the status of the personal fouls and team fouls before taking his foul shots. He cannot pronounce personal. No matter where he is in the house he senses if his little brother has the ball in his hands and comes sprinting to take it away. His brother is usually casted as Tiago Splitter. He is very passive aggressive. Somewhere between all this basketball he does other things. Those things are not important. In the evenings we watch the NBA playoffs. He only roots for the team that is winning. But he won't cheer against the Thunder or Spurs. I regale him with stories of Laker greatness. I search for classic Laker victories on NBA TV. I can only hope I'm doing enough. At bed time we read a children's story about Chris Paul's childhood. I make up a sequel about how an evil troll named David Stern kidnapped Chris Paul from the Lakers. We curse David Stern and Blake Griffin until sleep over takes him. We all hope tomorrow will be a KD day...
Ok, I might have gotten a little carried away with that rant. But, like 90% of that is true. He's super into basketball right now and it's really fun. I don't know how to break the news to him that he's probably going to be 5'9'' and that could, possibly, hinder his long term success. Instead, we signed him up for tennis lessons this summer.
Another really funny thing is hearing Cam re-tell the religious stories he learns at school. Christianity by Cam is hilarious. My favorite was the time he told us about how "Jesus was in the doghouse until his friend Smokey J told him to come out." After some digging, it's possible he was recounting the story of Lazarus. But, I like to believe that Smokey J is the gangster nickname Jesus had for James. My second favorite is when I was talking to Cam about somebody named Jose. Cam proceeded to tell me tabout how all the people in the bible "threw there jackets in the mud and shouted Jose, Jose." I'll let you figure that one out.
Onto the younger child. He is adorable right now. He is a smiling, waiving, peek-a-boo playing little ball of perfection. And that dude loves to push himself to the limits of his physical abilities. He wants to climb everything he can get to. One of his favorite past-times is to climb on top of (insert noun here), stand up, and look at you with delight. If you turn your back on him for 10 seconds he will be standing on top of his riding fire truck like he's about to go surfing. There may or may not be multiple home videos of him accomplishing such feats and.... then falling really hard on the floor. I guess that is what movie editing software is for. Based on his combination of attractiveness and affinity for stage-like platforms, I'm predicting he is going to be runway model. Then again I could also see major head trauma in his future. Thankfully those two paths aren't mutually exclusive.
You miss both 0% and 100% of the shots you don't take,
Father
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Revelations
I've learned exactly 10 things so far in 2014. I'm going to share them with you now.
10: Cam's obsession with Ninja Warrior is not good for his face.
9: You can consistently complete Insanity workout videos before getting a Blue Cross Blue Shield agent on the line.
8: Fire fighters need a raise. It feels like you could earn an honest living in that profession, but apparently it requires panhandling to supplement your income. Seriously, put your boots back on and get out of the street. At least when you were fundraising with your lascivious calendars you weren't causing a traffic delay. The next begging fire man I see in the road is getting his bare foot ran over. You have been warned.
7. Mexican food + lots of spinning = sitting in your own vomit for the car ride home. It was a tough lesson for her to learn, but I told Mindy not to spin so much.
6. Boy's trips to Del Rio are good times. If I close my eyes I can still hear Cam chanting "no ladies, no babies." And don't bother asking Cam about our trip because he's been trained that what happens in Del Rio stays in Del Rio. But I'll give y'all a little sneak peak. Let's just say that 3 out of the following 4 things are true. Cam attempted to pee off a bridge and ended up with urine all over his clothes. We picked up a hitchhiker somewhere near San Antonio that we later learned was an escaped convict. There was at least one night where Cam could be found binge eating chocolate cake in motel room at 11 pm. My father won a limbo contest at my cousin's wedding by out-dueling a midget. Let me just reiterate that a good time was had by all.
5. Croup is the devil's work. And I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison probably has something to do with spreading this destructive force.
4. Preschoolers are master negotiators. And they always seem to be working toward attaining the most immediate reward. At first I was trying to offer Cam some guidance around this tactic. I was trying to help him put off some immediate gratification in the pursuit more significant pleasure down the road. But the more I became acquainted with his strategy, the more I respected it. He has it right. You just have to be relentless in your negotiation for short term gain. You see, there's no harm in agreeing to give up something in the future to obtain immediate reward. Because we both know that when we get to this so called future loss, that exact same strategy is still going to apply. I think he plans on just pushing back his loss until he moves out of the house. In some ways it's kind of like our national debt situation. Preschoolers are very advanced.
3. Steven Tyler decided to go as the Geico Caveman to the Grammys.
2. Cam is incapable of talking about religion without adopting the accent of a southern woman. I guess sending him to a church-based preschool in Texas has measurable affects. And "Lawd" is it cute.
1. Carter being mobile is a game changer.
Truth has been spoken here today. Go with "Gawd".
Father
10: Cam's obsession with Ninja Warrior is not good for his face.
9: You can consistently complete Insanity workout videos before getting a Blue Cross Blue Shield agent on the line.
8: Fire fighters need a raise. It feels like you could earn an honest living in that profession, but apparently it requires panhandling to supplement your income. Seriously, put your boots back on and get out of the street. At least when you were fundraising with your lascivious calendars you weren't causing a traffic delay. The next begging fire man I see in the road is getting his bare foot ran over. You have been warned.
7. Mexican food + lots of spinning = sitting in your own vomit for the car ride home. It was a tough lesson for her to learn, but I told Mindy not to spin so much.
6. Boy's trips to Del Rio are good times. If I close my eyes I can still hear Cam chanting "no ladies, no babies." And don't bother asking Cam about our trip because he's been trained that what happens in Del Rio stays in Del Rio. But I'll give y'all a little sneak peak. Let's just say that 3 out of the following 4 things are true. Cam attempted to pee off a bridge and ended up with urine all over his clothes. We picked up a hitchhiker somewhere near San Antonio that we later learned was an escaped convict. There was at least one night where Cam could be found binge eating chocolate cake in motel room at 11 pm. My father won a limbo contest at my cousin's wedding by out-dueling a midget. Let me just reiterate that a good time was had by all.
5. Croup is the devil's work. And I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison probably has something to do with spreading this destructive force.
4. Preschoolers are master negotiators. And they always seem to be working toward attaining the most immediate reward. At first I was trying to offer Cam some guidance around this tactic. I was trying to help him put off some immediate gratification in the pursuit more significant pleasure down the road. But the more I became acquainted with his strategy, the more I respected it. He has it right. You just have to be relentless in your negotiation for short term gain. You see, there's no harm in agreeing to give up something in the future to obtain immediate reward. Because we both know that when we get to this so called future loss, that exact same strategy is still going to apply. I think he plans on just pushing back his loss until he moves out of the house. In some ways it's kind of like our national debt situation. Preschoolers are very advanced.
3. Steven Tyler decided to go as the Geico Caveman to the Grammys.
2. Cam is incapable of talking about religion without adopting the accent of a southern woman. I guess sending him to a church-based preschool in Texas has measurable affects. And "Lawd" is it cute.
1. Carter being mobile is a game changer.
Truth has been spoken here today. Go with "Gawd".
Father
Monday, December 23, 2013
'Twas the night before Christmas Eve...
Vacation has begun. I'm officially off of work for the next 2 weeks. As part of my quest to live life like I'm still in high school, I went and scheduled myself a nice little Christmas vacation. But now I am one day in to said vacation and I'm realizing that the reality of these two weeks might be a tad different than the ones I remember so fondly from my youth. In my excitement to get off of work, I failed to consider that this parenting gig wasn't going to take a hiatus as well. Now... I'm thinking I may just plan a few "working days" at the office to prepare for the new year. We'll see how that flies. I don't know how Mindy does it so much, because being in this house is like being constantly cornered by two assailants of need. It's a perpetual dance of placation and/or disappointment. It makes me tired.
But I love me some Cam. That little dude is fun to hang out with. Lately we've been really into playing the Madden football App on the Ipad. He picked our team to be the Bears because they are, and I quote Cam here, "Bad Boys." Then he somehow changed the uniforms to the Bengals so we are now the Chicago Bengals. "We" rely very heavily on our tight ends and slot receivers. At first I thought he was going to seriously injure Martellus Bennett by exclusively throwing him the ball. But now he has developed a nice little rapport with Alshon Jeffery on the slant. "We" rarely win. It took us about 20 tries to beat the Washington Redskins (including a last second pick six that lost us the game because "we" were trying to run up the score). That one stung. But we finally defeated Washington this morning and advanced on to playing the Indianapolis Colts. Cameron refers to our new foe as the "Whiteskins." Sometimes I feel very discriminated against in my house. It's hard to be a minority.
Cameron and I also like to participate in trivia contests. This is a sneak peak at a typical game. I ask Cam if he can name 7 trains from Thomas. He rattles them off in one breath. He asks me an abstract question with multiple answers. No matter what I guess, I am responded to by a loud buzzer noise and a harsh "wrong." It's like doing that psychic game with Bill Murray at the beginning of Ghost Busters. But, it's fun to hear the clever questions and answers he comes up. Like just the other day, he asked me "who is Momma's favorite guy?" I smiled at him smugly and answered, "me of course." I expected the buzzer noise. I was even prepared for him to claim that spot. But I most certainly was not ready for what was to come next. Apparently, my wife's "favorite guy" is the man who was at our house earlier that day fixing the air conditioner. This was rather alarming news. Coming from my family of origin, I am quite aware of the allure that profession can have on the ladies. Graves' Heating and Air is basically just a male prostitution network. If my father or uncle tell you any differently, they are lying. And when you're working in refrigeration you are always working with "hot" women. Ok, I'll stop. But needless to say an extensive interrogation took place to uncover what transpired between Mindy and the repairman. The investigation is still pending.
I had more I wanted to write today, but Mindy is waiting for me so we can do Insanity before the kids wake up from nap. Nap time is not to be squandered in pithy rantings. Fun fact, did you know that Mindy knows the first name of all the back-up fitness participants in the Insanity DVD. I'm beginning to think that this stay at home gig might be a little lonely. And with that realization, I am definitely intensifying my efforts on the repairman case. We shall see if she goes Freon the charges or not... Ok, I'm truly stopping. That was just sad.
Merry Christmas,
Father
But I love me some Cam. That little dude is fun to hang out with. Lately we've been really into playing the Madden football App on the Ipad. He picked our team to be the Bears because they are, and I quote Cam here, "Bad Boys." Then he somehow changed the uniforms to the Bengals so we are now the Chicago Bengals. "We" rely very heavily on our tight ends and slot receivers. At first I thought he was going to seriously injure Martellus Bennett by exclusively throwing him the ball. But now he has developed a nice little rapport with Alshon Jeffery on the slant. "We" rarely win. It took us about 20 tries to beat the Washington Redskins (including a last second pick six that lost us the game because "we" were trying to run up the score). That one stung. But we finally defeated Washington this morning and advanced on to playing the Indianapolis Colts. Cameron refers to our new foe as the "Whiteskins." Sometimes I feel very discriminated against in my house. It's hard to be a minority.
Cameron and I also like to participate in trivia contests. This is a sneak peak at a typical game. I ask Cam if he can name 7 trains from Thomas. He rattles them off in one breath. He asks me an abstract question with multiple answers. No matter what I guess, I am responded to by a loud buzzer noise and a harsh "wrong." It's like doing that psychic game with Bill Murray at the beginning of Ghost Busters. But, it's fun to hear the clever questions and answers he comes up. Like just the other day, he asked me "who is Momma's favorite guy?" I smiled at him smugly and answered, "me of course." I expected the buzzer noise. I was even prepared for him to claim that spot. But I most certainly was not ready for what was to come next. Apparently, my wife's "favorite guy" is the man who was at our house earlier that day fixing the air conditioner. This was rather alarming news. Coming from my family of origin, I am quite aware of the allure that profession can have on the ladies. Graves' Heating and Air is basically just a male prostitution network. If my father or uncle tell you any differently, they are lying. And when you're working in refrigeration you are always working with "hot" women. Ok, I'll stop. But needless to say an extensive interrogation took place to uncover what transpired between Mindy and the repairman. The investigation is still pending.
I had more I wanted to write today, but Mindy is waiting for me so we can do Insanity before the kids wake up from nap. Nap time is not to be squandered in pithy rantings. Fun fact, did you know that Mindy knows the first name of all the back-up fitness participants in the Insanity DVD. I'm beginning to think that this stay at home gig might be a little lonely. And with that realization, I am definitely intensifying my efforts on the repairman case. We shall see if she goes Freon the charges or not... Ok, I'm truly stopping. That was just sad.
Merry Christmas,
Father
Saturday, December 14, 2013
PC or Not PC?
I recently came to the realization that Mike may be more politically correct than I thought. This may shock you, given what he has written on this very blog in the past. However, consider the following examples:
- When Mike's dad first met Carter as a two-month-old, Carter was a cute, chubby baby. Mike's dad affectionately called him a sumo wrestler. Mike told his dad to stop being a racist and just call Carter fat.
- Carter is at the age where he'll do anything to reach a desired object, including throwing himself out of my arms or face planting to the ground, so I like to say he's my little kamikaze baby. Mike immediately responds by saying this is racist, because if Carter were not half-Asian, we would instead call him reckless, adventurous, and strong.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Gobble this up
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Our Thanksgiving was rather mellow. We ordered our "feast" from Marie Callenders, and I would definitely recommend the experience to others. It's just much easier. And what I mean by the last statement, is that it seems much easier, because I really have no idea what it would be like to cook on Thanksgiving. I, like all great American men, like to spend this day giving thanks for football and misogyny. But I did feel much less repressed shame doing nothing - knowing that Mindy was doing less. So that was nice. And of course I did get up off my ass to swoop in for my 10 minutes of glory dissecting an animal. And this turkey carving experience was fantastic. Turns out, we had actually only purchased a turkey breast. I had no idea this was the case when we brought the food home, because the thing easily weighed five pounds. Which really got me thinking that it was a shame that I never got to see this turkey intact. She sounds spectacular. But carving up a turkey breast with no bones really simplifies the procedure. I decided to whittle the meet into replicas of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria to everybody's delight. Ok, that didn't happen. But I wanted it to.
Mindy's parents brought over a photo album commemorating the life of Mindy. It was really fun to see all the pictures of lil' Mindy. Do you remember a few posts ago when I mentioned that Cameron and Carter looked almost identical as babies? Well, I think we figured out where they get that from. It was uncanny how much baby Mindy looked like Carter. Whatever baby gene Mindy's family has passed down is really, really strong. It doesn't know the bounds of gender. It tramples over whatever weak little Caucasian genes you throw in there. It just dominates. Mindy and I have been meaning to introduce a game where we put up pictures of Cam and Carter at around the same age and challenge y'all to pick out the correct Graves' son. But I think we might need to add one more baby option to this game-show. Now the only thing left to do is to come up with a catchy title for this segment. "Name that Asian" feels it possibly may be offensive. "I know that baby, maybe...?" has a decent ring to it, but I don't want to settle. Feel free to post some ideas in the comment section.
During the Thanksgiving meal, Mindy had a fantastic idea. She asked the table if they would like to share "their biggest regret of the year" along with what they are most thankful for. Because Mindy didn't have to do much cooking this year, I think she subconsciously decided to create a "recipe" for how to create holiday drama. Bringing together relatives into forced intimacy and then springing on them deep questions about things they regret seems like a pretty awesome concoction. It all worked out fine in this situation, because nobody was dumb enough to answer the question with any honesty. But I recommend you try it at home.
Speaking of honest feedback, I think it's about time for Cam to experience some more criticism in his life. He has just gotten way too much praise. Yesterday morning when we were discussing our plans to hang Christmas lights, he asked me "why am I such a good helper?" I said, "Because you're good at figuring stuff out and are fun to hang out with." He said, "And I'm always cute." Too which I laughed and said, "Yes, and very humble." But he didn't get my sarcasm, he just noticed my amusement, nodded with a smirk of self-appreciation and added, "Yes, and I'm also funny." Couple interactions like this with the fact that earlier this week he tried to charge me admission to come cuddle with him at bed time, and I'm thinking we definitely need to knock this little dude down a few pegs. Time to replace nightly affirmation hour with a little "Daddy is playing for real" time. That and a verbal sprinkling of reality that cuts to his little core should do the trick. Don't worry, I learned all of this in graduate school. I'm a professional.
That's all for today. Here are some things to look forward to in future blogs. Carter is in his "strangers aren't sure what gender I am" phase, which has supplied some pretty good moments. Cameron is about to play on his first soccer "team" and it is going to be coached by a good friend. If this situation doesn't provide bloggable moments and opportunities to terrorize my friend, then I don't know what will. And Reilly continues to descend deeper into his postpartum depression. But if he can muster enough energy, he has hinted that he would like to make a return to the blog. We shall see.
Happy Holidays,
Father
Mindy's parents brought over a photo album commemorating the life of Mindy. It was really fun to see all the pictures of lil' Mindy. Do you remember a few posts ago when I mentioned that Cameron and Carter looked almost identical as babies? Well, I think we figured out where they get that from. It was uncanny how much baby Mindy looked like Carter. Whatever baby gene Mindy's family has passed down is really, really strong. It doesn't know the bounds of gender. It tramples over whatever weak little Caucasian genes you throw in there. It just dominates. Mindy and I have been meaning to introduce a game where we put up pictures of Cam and Carter at around the same age and challenge y'all to pick out the correct Graves' son. But I think we might need to add one more baby option to this game-show. Now the only thing left to do is to come up with a catchy title for this segment. "Name that Asian" feels it possibly may be offensive. "I know that baby, maybe...?" has a decent ring to it, but I don't want to settle. Feel free to post some ideas in the comment section.
During the Thanksgiving meal, Mindy had a fantastic idea. She asked the table if they would like to share "their biggest regret of the year" along with what they are most thankful for. Because Mindy didn't have to do much cooking this year, I think she subconsciously decided to create a "recipe" for how to create holiday drama. Bringing together relatives into forced intimacy and then springing on them deep questions about things they regret seems like a pretty awesome concoction. It all worked out fine in this situation, because nobody was dumb enough to answer the question with any honesty. But I recommend you try it at home.
Speaking of honest feedback, I think it's about time for Cam to experience some more criticism in his life. He has just gotten way too much praise. Yesterday morning when we were discussing our plans to hang Christmas lights, he asked me "why am I such a good helper?" I said, "Because you're good at figuring stuff out and are fun to hang out with." He said, "And I'm always cute." Too which I laughed and said, "Yes, and very humble." But he didn't get my sarcasm, he just noticed my amusement, nodded with a smirk of self-appreciation and added, "Yes, and I'm also funny." Couple interactions like this with the fact that earlier this week he tried to charge me admission to come cuddle with him at bed time, and I'm thinking we definitely need to knock this little dude down a few pegs. Time to replace nightly affirmation hour with a little "Daddy is playing for real" time. That and a verbal sprinkling of reality that cuts to his little core should do the trick. Don't worry, I learned all of this in graduate school. I'm a professional.
That's all for today. Here are some things to look forward to in future blogs. Carter is in his "strangers aren't sure what gender I am" phase, which has supplied some pretty good moments. Cameron is about to play on his first soccer "team" and it is going to be coached by a good friend. If this situation doesn't provide bloggable moments and opportunities to terrorize my friend, then I don't know what will. And Reilly continues to descend deeper into his postpartum depression. But if he can muster enough energy, he has hinted that he would like to make a return to the blog. We shall see.
Happy Holidays,
Father
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Domesticate Ya
Mindy made some pumpkin flavored pop tarts for a Fall get-together this past week. They were quite tasty. Cam is not so sure. Consider this exchange: Cam bites into a pop tart and a look of sheer disgust spreads across his face. Mindy says "Cam, you don't have to eat that if you don't like it." Cam munches on, but appears as though he is consuming something closer to raw sewage than a pastry. Cam looks up at Mindy and sheepishly says, "It's good. I just like to take small bites." Verrrrrrryyyyyy tactful son. Well played.
Cam likes to roll around everywhere he can on his scooter. Not too long ago Mindy and I were sitting on the couch after putting Cam down for bed. We hear his bedroom door open and Cam rolls out on his scooter to get some water. He then rolled back to the bedroom without a word. His scooting can be quite unnerving. It often has the feel of Gob on his Segway in Arrested Development.
Speaking of being on the couch after Cam was put to bed, Mindy and I recently got busted engaging in some inappropriate behavior. Let's just say it involved the two of us, some sucking, and... Cam's Halloween candy. Mindy and I were sent scurrying like teenagers when the bedroom door unexpectedly opens. It was an eye opening moment to realize how much I fear my son. And this was probably the greatest act of treachery that we could have committed. Cam treasured his Halloween candy with Smeagol-like intensity. When he got home from trick-or-treating he dumped all of it out in the middle of the living room. For days after, he would come up to Mindy and I and ask us if we would like to join him in "looking at his candy." And then he would just sit and admire it. He was very proud of himself for "earning" all those sweets and often opined about how "hard" he "worked" on Halloween. I think we might have sparked a less furious reaction if we had taken his lifelong "blankie" and fashioned it into a diaper for Carter. Let's just say it was a night of great violence in the Graves house. I emerged relatively unscathed, mostly because I was able to utilize Mindy as a human shield.
Cameron is in the heart of the "why" faze. Truly, he's been in this phase for over a year. But the intensity of it has really ramped up of late. What his questioning has really made me realize is how little I know about anything. By the end of each of these exchanges we've reached a point where it becomes difficult to muster a coherent answer. I've asked repeatedly for phone a friend privileges, but that just leads to him asking me why, and me having to explain the reasons behind my idiocy until I need help again. It's not a self-esteem boosting exchange. So, I've taken to completely making things up. Why is it cold today? The sun is tired. Why? Because he stayed up really late playing Minion Rush and used up his solar energy to keep the I-Pad charged? Why? Because the sun often has insomnia. Why? Because of discomfort from his irritable bowel. And on we go. It donned on me lately the true reason why people often become more religious when they have children. Claiming the work of a higher power is really the only way to stand up to this line of questioning and save face. But I see that as a cop out. I'm going to make shit up instead. It's way more fun.
See you next week,
Father
Cam likes to roll around everywhere he can on his scooter. Not too long ago Mindy and I were sitting on the couch after putting Cam down for bed. We hear his bedroom door open and Cam rolls out on his scooter to get some water. He then rolled back to the bedroom without a word. His scooting can be quite unnerving. It often has the feel of Gob on his Segway in Arrested Development.
Speaking of being on the couch after Cam was put to bed, Mindy and I recently got busted engaging in some inappropriate behavior. Let's just say it involved the two of us, some sucking, and... Cam's Halloween candy. Mindy and I were sent scurrying like teenagers when the bedroom door unexpectedly opens. It was an eye opening moment to realize how much I fear my son. And this was probably the greatest act of treachery that we could have committed. Cam treasured his Halloween candy with Smeagol-like intensity. When he got home from trick-or-treating he dumped all of it out in the middle of the living room. For days after, he would come up to Mindy and I and ask us if we would like to join him in "looking at his candy." And then he would just sit and admire it. He was very proud of himself for "earning" all those sweets and often opined about how "hard" he "worked" on Halloween. I think we might have sparked a less furious reaction if we had taken his lifelong "blankie" and fashioned it into a diaper for Carter. Let's just say it was a night of great violence in the Graves house. I emerged relatively unscathed, mostly because I was able to utilize Mindy as a human shield.
Cameron is in the heart of the "why" faze. Truly, he's been in this phase for over a year. But the intensity of it has really ramped up of late. What his questioning has really made me realize is how little I know about anything. By the end of each of these exchanges we've reached a point where it becomes difficult to muster a coherent answer. I've asked repeatedly for phone a friend privileges, but that just leads to him asking me why, and me having to explain the reasons behind my idiocy until I need help again. It's not a self-esteem boosting exchange. So, I've taken to completely making things up. Why is it cold today? The sun is tired. Why? Because he stayed up really late playing Minion Rush and used up his solar energy to keep the I-Pad charged? Why? Because the sun often has insomnia. Why? Because of discomfort from his irritable bowel. And on we go. It donned on me lately the true reason why people often become more religious when they have children. Claiming the work of a higher power is really the only way to stand up to this line of questioning and save face. But I see that as a cop out. I'm going to make shit up instead. It's way more fun.
See you next week,
Father
Friday, November 15, 2013
This is what's up
The following sentiments are truth. Do not interpret as figurative or sarcastic. Read, accept, move on with your day.
Papa
- My freezer looks like an episode of "Hoarders: The Breast Milk Edition"
- When you are the son of a psychologist you quickly learn many ways to express anger toward your parents. Consider the following interaction between Cam and I on Halloween after we were briefly separated in a crowded cat tunnel (don't ask). Cam: "I'm mad at you because I couldn't see you." Me: "Sorry about that." Cam: "I'm really angry." Me: "I hear you." Approximately 30 second pause. Cam: "I'm serious." Approximately 30 second pause Cam: "I'm still cross." And with that it was clear that we needed to cut down his Thomas consumption and stifle his emotional expression. So I responded in a way I knew he could grasp. Me: "Stop being cheeky or I'll take you back to that tunnel and wall you in like Henry. Now be a useful little engine and give me a Snickers." You might not have any idea what some of that meant, but preschoolers all over the world would be shuttering in fear.
- Speaking of Halloween, there was much debate about what Cam wanted to be. Mindy asked him daily for a 2 month period, so as it neared we had quite a few options. At one point, he wanted the family to go in a construction theme. He said that he wanted to be an excavator. He told Carter he was going to be a bulldozer. He told Mindy she was going to be a steamroller. And he told me I was going to be a pumpkin. My son is already a master of social aggression. A few days before Halloween, Cam had it narrowed down to a couple of things. He either wanted to be a Chick-Filet worker or a princess. Just to clarify, he either wanted to go as a cross-dresser or a homophobic fast food worker. I wanted him to go as both to make a political statement.
- Mindy seems to be enjoying her new gig. She has infiltrated the ranks of multiple Mom's groups. There seems to be a lot of walking, eating, gossiping, and organizing. I'm not sure what the kids do - but fun appears to be had by all.
- Carter smiles at just about anything. He can sit up by himself, but he's not quite mobile yet. Those of us in the parents biz call this stage "perfection."
- Cameron is in a very competitive stage. I hear you grow out of this stage in your 40s. I, like all intelligent parents before me, use his internal drive as a means of manipulating him into doing what I want. "I'll race you to the car," "first one to the bedroom wins," "I bet you can't sit quietly while I concentrate on my fantasy football lineup"... these are just a few of the motivational tactics I like to employ. But I'll tell you, I haven't experienced this much losing in my life since Hope basketball.
- Cam, Mindy, and I are super into these "endless running" aps. We started with Ninja Quest and moved onto Minion Rush. We help Cam learn the skill of waiting his "turn" by making him watch us dodge obstacles and collect tokens. Again, a good time is had by all. And Cam is remarkably skilled at these games. Forget sports and reading, I'm thinking professional gamer is his calling. Now is the time to focus our collective efforts.
- Cam just returned from an outing with a Mom's group. He interrupted my blogging to announce that while he was there he enjoyed "watching a little girl pee." And with that, I think I should wrap this up and do a little parenting. This is what happens when you allow trains, ninjas, and minions to raise your children.
Papa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)