I must speak. It is time for the airing of grievances.
Nobody asked me if I wanted a baby around the house. I bet they're not going to make it stay outside when they go to work (or whatever it is Mike does). I promise you that the Graves' don't taunt the new child with promises of walks that never happen or treats that never appear. I grow tired of existing at the mercy of these humans. Now I have to fight for affection with one of their own kind. I want my owners to be fully aware that I do not support there decision to pro-create. I stand firm in my opposition to Mike ever being responsible for another living organism. Let it be known that I officially declare war against the new human beast. Indeed, "neither can live while the other survives."
Don't worry Richard Graves, I'm not going to eat the thing. (That's right I'm calling you out sir. Don't think I don't hear you when you disparage my reputation in public). The truth is I am far too lazy and cowardly to engage in physical violence. But the baby better be ready for the psychological Jihad I'm about to perpetrate. I am going to unleash a fury of passive aggressive tactics that will leave it crying for mercy. Plus, let's be real for a moment, we all know that I am going to be much cuter than the infant. Judging from those sonogram photos we don't have a real looker on our paws here. I'm going to hit this household with a storm of cuteness and pouting the likes of which this family has never seen. It is on people.
Reilly Dog Out!
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Reilly,
ReplyDeleteSince we've never met face to snout, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Aaron, and I am human, much like your male master (only I stand 3 inches taller, 15 pounds heavier, possess 2 fully-functioning symmetrical eyes, and obtain a much more extensive vocabulary).
First, let me assuage your fears. The new life developing in your Asian-master's belly is no threat to your way of life. If anything, you will soon be joined by a comrade-in-arms. Ol' Lazy Eye's psycho-behavioral taunts towards you will now be channeled towards the human infant. This newfound distraction will now consume at least 10% of L.E.'s spare attention, leaving no more than 5% left to devote to you (the other 85%, as you are no doubt already aware, will remain split between online fantasy mock drafts and reality television). This 5% will be whittled down to the basic essentials, food and shelter. As it is, I hear you are more than capable of finding both on your own anyway.
Secondly, this human child, according to most studies, will contend with you for intellectual supremacy of the Graves household. I base this assumption on each parent's level of education and the socio-economic level of education available in your surrounding areas (even when factoring in a Texas points deduction). Throw in a propensity for Eastern philosophy and high math scores (thank you, Mommy), and this should be one bright child. My advice, Reilly: team up with this child for complete domination of your Leander township.
Lastly, if you want to be taken seriously, we humans do not respect anyone who signs off with their name (especially last) attached to "Out". I expect more from a clearly more developed (and better spelling) species of Graves.
We haven't met yet, my name is Lizzie. Busy Lizzie to my friends. I'm Mindy's 4 pawed sister. I haven't had to deal with a two footed invader. Hope I never have tooooo. I feel for you nephew. If you need some help psyching out the kid, let me know. I am known for my smarts. We should be able to really mess up that Graves kids mind.
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