Papa is preparing nuggets of wisdom to share with his spawn. He thinks to himself, "self, why not share them with your followers as well?" Behold, a glimpse of an intimate and tender exchange between father and zygote. I'm about to make it rain wisdom up in here....
Dear G-Baby,
This is father. You are welcome for the life I have bestowed upon you. Now, I want to give you something even more precious: my knowledge. All of the following are facts.
1) Always take a running back in the first round of a fantasy football draft.
2) Never firmly commit to a social engagement - a "maybe" makes it easier to back out later.
3) Going to school is better than working.
4) Death is to be feared and dreaded - this is rational.
5) Lazy eyes are subtly sexy.
6) Never trust a man with red hair.
7) Generic brands at the grocery store are usually okay - generic Oreos are not.
8) Do not bother learning cursive.
9) The following are fictional creations: Santa, Toothfairy, college football national champions.
10) Everything is better with cheese.
11) Why go places when you can watch them on T.V. for a minimal charge?
12) If somebody tells you they need 110% out of you, explain to them that this is both physically and mathematically impossible.
13) Toll roads and payed parking are creations of the devil.
14) Stretch your hips and hamstrings consistently and starting at a young age (so now would be a good time).
15) And whenever in doubt ask yourself this one question: "What would Tim Tebow do?"
Now I would like for you, faithful reader, to wipe the tears from your eyes and contribute to this list o' truth. What words of wisdom do you have for G-Baby?
Hugs,
Father
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1. learn to use Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zygote
ReplyDeleteI refuse to read this until it is in a font that won't make me get glasses.
ReplyDeleteNever pet a flaming dog.
ReplyDeleteNever fry bacon when you're naked.
ReplyDeleteNever go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!
ReplyDeleteListen to your mother.
ReplyDeleteHold out for true love.
ReplyDeleteUse the force.
ReplyDeleteThere's an upside and a downside to every schwartz.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe the first one you listed is wrong - you're telling me that in the upcoming 16 team draft everyone should draft a RB in the first round?!?! This baby is going to have an uphill battle in life.
ReplyDeleteAlways play to win, and always play by the rules.
ReplyDeleteWhen these two seem simultaeneously impossible, defer to the prior by either...
1.) making your own rules thus improving the game that must have been inherently flawed in the first place.
or
2.) completing the game under official protest while making snide, juvenile, and demeaning comments towards the remaining contestants, thus ruining the experience for everyone else.
This is how you father does it, this is how I do it, and this is how all great champions will continue to do it until the sun burns out.
And yes, I realize now that "simultaeneously" should read "simultaneously" and condition number 1 should be followed by a comma rather than a period, but sometimes the mind is afire with brilliance that the fingers just can't match.
ReplyDeleteAaron,
ReplyDeleteYour sage/comical advice caused me laugh out loud and nod in knowning agreement at the same time. That is a rare feat. However, if you wouldn't have created a culture of judgement and perfectionism with your tyranical proof reading, perhaps you wouldn't be compelled to create addendum posts that correct grammer errors. I'm just saying. Why don't we just let those participles dangle.
One more thing I want you to do. Go to facebook and type in your first and last name into the search box. I then want you to proudly join the first "group" that comes up on your screen. Good times.