Devices of propaganda and misinformation

Baby shirts are the spawn (that's for you Candie) of liars. The say so many things that just aren't true. For example, Cameron was sporting a shirt today that said "Daddy's Number 1 Draft Pick." Nobody checked with daddy about that. The first pick in a draft is not a place for sentimental statements or feel-good gestures. It is the foundation of your franchise. Ask Michael Jordan about wasting draft picks. Although, Cameron may be a better pick than Adam Morrison. He definitely has better hair and may in fact cry less. Anyway, back to my point, I have never given my son or anybody any indication that I would be taking my spawn (I can't stop now) in the first round of any draft. Even if I later coach my son in recreational sports and we are conducting a draft to fill out our teams, he is not guaranteed to be my first overall pick. You have to earn that spot. Plus, I might be able to scoop Cam up in a later round because other general managers, errrrrr fathers, might not want to tear apart a family. It's that kind of scheming and value drafting that builds a dynasty. And let me tell you, the thought of someday drafting preadolescent boys gets me really excited. Wait, that sounded weird, somehow we got off track. What I'm saying is the shirt lies. Cameron and I did however reach a compromise this morning regarding the situation. I told him that I would always select him (as a write-in player) in the final round of any fantasy football draft (in lieu of a kicker). He responded to this statement with a huge smile. Apparently a mix of realism and love makes my son really happy. I do what I can.

On a totally unrelated note, I would like to make a public statement to an anonymous friend. Dear friend: Remember the other day when Mindy walked into the room and you started making loud baby crying noises, thereby eliciting crickets and quizzical glances, and then you promised that once we watched this week's episode of The Office we would be laughing hysterically? You know who you are now right? Okay, well now that I have seen the episode I want to say the following. Your verbal attempts to stimulate lactation in my wife's breasts is in no way humorous. In fact, I find your behavior grossly inappropriate. I have never tried to increase the milk flow from your wife in any way. I expect the same courtesy. Besides that stuff is not to be wasted in wet secrets. Any excess needs to be jarred and refrigerated immediately. So please cease your socially maladjusted and borderline sexually delinquent behavior. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter. Good day.