I was excited as I drove to the class. Mindy was picking us up some french fries so we could be well nourished as we learned about the miracle of birth. I walked into that class a happy, excited father-to-be. I will never be the same.
I'm not sure exactly what the point of that class is. It seems more applicable for birth control than preparing for labor. My senses and emotions were put on a roller coaster ride the likes of which I've never known. Have you ever been simultaneously bored and petrified at the same time? I went back and forth between fighting sleep and wishing I hadn't had my eyes open.
Who is coming up with this curriculum? After they made us sit through a two hour long anatomy lesson (I now know the Latin word for a parent of multiple children, I'm sure I'll be using that in the delivery room) then they made us watch a video where that anatomy explodes. After the class Mindy made a comment about the size of the woman's breasts in the video. I swear to god, I had no idea that woman even had breasts. My eyes were stuck on the horror show that was happening elsewhere. And the looks on the faces of these mothers were even more frightening. They looked like they were being held in torture camps as prisoners of war. About 4 minutes into the film, I just wanted that baby to get out of that woman. I felt such a feeling of relief when the baby burst through in the movie, I can't even imagine what it is going to be like in real life.
The only thing that made sense about the way they structured the class, is that they put the deep breathing exercise at the end after you experience the trauma, errrr, I mean watch the video. But of course we ran out of time. There was plenty of time earlier for the nurse to finger a plastic cervix for about 10 minutes, but now we're suddenly in a rush? I don't remember how I got home last night.
But I must admit, there were some positives that came out of my Thursday evening. I think I might have convinced Mindy to refer to me as coach during the delivery (I'm not thinking that this is staying humorous for very long once this actually starts). I learned that, if I choose, I can detach the baby from Mindy in some strange, gory ribbon cutting ceremony. And I was provided with a host of revolting, yet strangely comical, options for fantasy football names. Like did you know that the "dull" side of the placenta is sometimes referred to as the Dirty Duncan? Tell me that doesn't have a great ring to it.
In closing, I would like to tip my cap to all mothers who have gone through this. Mindy, in the words of the great Kellen Winslow, you are a f***ing soldier.
Failing to prepare is preparing to fail,
Coach
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Coach, this is a remarkable piece of writing. I'm LOL-ing at my desk right now. I felt like I was right there with you as you turned away from the video in horrorshock. Good luck to you brother!
ReplyDeleteI've never been more relieved that I adopted. My sympathies are with Mindy. She could always pray for a C-Section...Although I'm guessing that's a pretty insensitive thing to say. I've heard that there is some chemical in the brain that is released that make women forget the horror show they go through so they can have more kids, but I'm not buying it. Any woman want to weigh in??
ReplyDeletewhich class are you taking? Is it through the hospital where you guys are going to give birth?
ReplyDeleteit's really not that bad. i'm sorry they scared you but, really, it's not that bad! i didn't scream, yell, curse, or anything like that. and, mike, you don't have to look if you don't want to, aaron didn't, neither did i. and you also don't have to "cut the ribbon," although, by that time you might be over the shock of seeing a little blood and you may want to. i promise...you'll both be fine! best wishes!
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