All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Childbirth Class

Childbirth class is over. Mike and I thought we would share the lessons we have learned over the course of this six-hour preparatory class.

What Mindy Learned:

• First and foremost, I do NOT want my delivery filmed for educational purposes.
• Oddly enough, there is a manufacturer out there who makes and sells a lifesize infant, complete with placenta, umbilical cord, arteries, and amniotic sac.
• To replicate the thinning and opening of the cervix, all you need to do is suck on a Lifesaver.
• An epidural is a must. Why flirt with the pain when numbness is just an IV away?
• Just thinking of an episiotomy makes me uncomfortable. I really hope G-Baby has a small head.
• Labor looks hard. Major understatement.
• As it turns out, the vacuum extractor does not look anything like the vacuum we own.
• I'm grateful to be a pregnant woman in the 21st century. Just think of what it was like for women to give birth in biblical times!
• Watching the baby come through the birth canal is kind of like watching a science fiction scene where aliens burst through people's skin.
• I've kind of been focused on doing all I can to make sure G-Baby is born healthy. But then I realized that even after he's born, I have to worry that there are no complications and that he has a good Apgar score and that he takes to breastfeeding. etc., etc.. And the worrying never stops from that point on...
• Some people insist on wearing LSU-related paraphernalia every Thursday night.
• There's something in Mike's nature that causes him to do other things when in a classroom setting - i.e. crossword puzzles, participating in some sort of fantasy draft, or trying to check the Dodgers score on his phone without being noticed.
• Hundreds of millions of women have given birth before me. I can do it too.
• All the labor pains will be worth it when I hold G-Baby for the first time.

What Mike Learned:

• Different mothers have very different temperaments during labor. The beastly woman in the first video was a nightmare, but that happy-go-lucky Nicaraguan woman was just a delight. So Mindy there is no excuse to be rude during this process. Please act like a lady.
• When you want to calm the mother down you put your eyes two inches from hers and blow strongly into her face. You also commentate in a very monotone voice about how big and spectacular the contractions are. I'd like to thank video number two for these gems.
• There is a man living in central Texas who looks exactly like a Ken doll on Steroids. Seriously, there is no way that his hair is naturally that color yellow.
• While attending a birth class men are required to pretend like we are attentive husbands. It was like a chivalry competition in there. I've never seen so much back- rubbing and rushing to open doors in my life. Which is nice, because it is a pain to worry about doors while trying to monitor a ninth inning Dodger rally.
• Mindy likes to show off by asking very astute questions that she already knows the answer to.
• It's not very polite, while leading a tour of the neo-natal unit, to stop a robe-clad mother fresh off delivery and ask her to share her "birth story" with the group.
• Babies have a "leave me alone" cry. Mindy also has one of those.
• You can turn a baby from breech position by lying on an ironing board. I promise you that this was discussed. Although I felt this raised more questions than answers. Does the ironing board need to be elevated from the ground? If so, how does it support a pregnant woman? If not, then why couldn't you just lay on the floor? If you were to lay on an ironing board and the baby was not breech, would it turn to breech? It's all very confusing.
• "Orientals used to just squat and deliver their babies in the field and then get back to work." I believe that quote from our instructor speaks for itself. Mindy you have nothing to worry about. Except all the hard work in the fields.
• Sometimes when the baby is having a hard time coming out the doctors utilize olive oil. Then they make a salad.
• Mindy is going to be a great mom. Well I knew this already, but I learned that I'm supposed to say these things and not be a total ass clown all the time.

What Reilly Learned:

• I learned that Thursday nights are cold outside. Babies suck.