"What to Expect: The First Year"

Mindy recently brought home the self-proclaimed "bible for new parents." I have perused this masterpiece and wanted to share some of my knowledge. Here are just a few of my favorite excerpts. These are actual quotes from the book (with some added commentary in italics):

- Three to six rompers (one-piece, short-sleeved, snap-at-the-crotch outfits without legs), for a late-spring or summer baby. I'm not exactly sure what this means, but it sounds like a baby who is ready to party.

- Wet regular tea bags with cool water and place them on your sore nipples. Note to Mindy, I think G-Baby would prefer a peppermint flavor.

- In more than twenty states, legislation has been passed stating that women have the right to breastfeed in public - that exposing a breast to nurse is not indecent and is not a criminal offense. Except in Texas where it is punishable by execution.

- Normal breast milk stools: Seedy, curdy, creamy, or lumpy; light yellow to mustard or bright green. Is this describing crap or a game of Clue? I'm not sure if I know what a seedy shit looks like, but I'm really looking forward to those curdy rainbows of joy.

- Don't put anything in your mouth if you don't know what it is. I was just confused about whom this sentence is directed toward. I'm assuming it's the baby. But, if they think any child within the first year of life is reading than I think I need a new book.

- Expressing milk by hand: To begin, place your hand on one breast, with your thumb and forefingers opposite each other around the edge of the areola. Press your hand in toward your chest, gently pressing thumb and forefinger together while pulling forward slightly. I have nipples Greg, can you milk me? Seriously, I feel dangerous with this knowledge. I think this is why God didn't allow men to nurse. You give me a weapon like that and I would walk around squirting everybody.

- Many experts concur that even the best that television has to offer isn't very good for one-year-olds. Clearly written prior to the creation of Jersey Shore.

- Do not permit anyone (visitors included) to smoke in bed or while falling asleep on the sofa. Huh? I am truly baffled by this statement. I like to think I would try to stop anyone who was falling asleep while smoking, but now I know to definitely stop them if they are visitors to my sofa.

- Appearance: Some feel removal of the foreskin makes the penis more attractive. And this is how we got into this mess to begin with.

Well, that's all the pearls of wisdom I have right now. And don't worry, I am fully aware that the tournament o' names has recently fizzled to a standstill. All I can say at this juncture is that the race is close, both opponents have fought valiantly, and as faithful readers of our blog you will be the first to know.